An excerpt from LUDWIG PLUTONIUM, THE CHOSEN ONE FROM THE YEARS OF NEON THROUGH IODINE. This excerpt comprises pp. 131-145, 156-166, and 178-207. A NOTE ON THE TEXT. Ludwig (now Archimedes) Plutonium starts his calendar year 0000 from the date of the discovery of plutonium, Dec. 14, 1940 AD. Since neon has atomic number 10, the `year of neon', when he was born, is 0010; the `year of iodine', similarly, is 0053. David Moews dmoews@xraysgi.ims.uconn.edu ------------------------excerpt starts here------------------------ "Your questions aren't worth asking." After I had wanted to know better what regular n-sided polygons were. Many professor's initial attitude towards me, I sensed was that of, here is another person whose brains are less than their own and it is not worth spending time on answering his question. And far worse bias and prejudice, would I receive from Ian Stewart, Sheldon Axler, and Chandler Davis as editors of math magazines around 0052-0053. A math community is one of the worst biased communities there is. One only has to review the history of Galois or Ramanujan to see what I am talking about. If I was labeled a math genius before I had went to ask questions, or have my work reviewed by those above mentioned persons, then they would have gone above and beyond the call of duty. They would have beat my question to death, figuring that I knew more than they did at every step along the way, but I do not. But give me enough time, I will. Symbolic logic class at UC was my first real attempts at proving something clear in my mind. Not math proofs but symbol proofs. Given a few symbols and a few rules, rearrange the symbols according to the rules and get new arrangements of symbols. My first real encounter with what a proof should be, even more perfect then what the math books were calling "a proof". These symbolic logic proofs were far better, and more clearer, more exact, then the proofs of High School plane geometry. This course in symbolic logic culminated with a proof of the Lowenheim-Skolem Theorem which we were required to prove on my last exam in symbolic logic at UC. I had a real pleasure in buying new textbooks and I spent alot of time just browsing in the bookstore. There were so many books that I had bought that I started to rival Willis's book collection. And now that my UC days were rapidly coming to an end, and that I was doing well as far as grades in my senior year. I wanted to buy books before departing UC. I felt like going on a book buying spree. That I needed the best books in physics. And Willis generously gave me a money gift, remembering the VW Karmann Ghia flat-tire incident and that I did not really care for the astrophysics journals. Those astrophysics journals were boring and dull and I never read any of the inside pages. I just read the outside table of contents. I just piled them up. Willis knew I wanted the physics books and he gave me $100. to spend on books. In my senior year at UC just before graduating, I bought the three volume set of Feynman's Lectures on Physics , but volume 1 the first chapter was the only part of the 131 three volume set which I really studied. And I bought Feynman's The Character of Physical Law , which I read completely. I bought a math book An Introduction to the Foundations & Fundamental Concepts of Math , a 0025 revised edition. I bought a book on philosophy A New World of Philosophy containing the philosophy of pragmatism which was my first acquaintance with pragmatism. I was engrossed with this philosophy of pragmatism, this set of ideas where the "meaning of something" is in its purpose, its use. Knowledge is "in the doing". Truth is what works and what works in the long term. Truth is not absolute to a pragmatist, some truths are just more longstanding than others. Pragmatism seemed to encompass the most basic and fundamental ideas for a wide variety of subjects, it encompassed all the sciences, and it seemed to draw unscientific subjects like religion, politics into a meaningful fold. Pragmatism was uniting math to science. It was this encompassing aspect that drew me ever closer to pragmatism. I read the chapter on pragmatism many times. I vividly remember going to the toilet library on Ridgeway with this book in hand and after being in there doing my business and also reading. Now my UC studies were almost over. Funny, and ironic, I made the Deans List, Ludwig Hansen, Spring Quarter of the 71-72 Academic Year. Ironic because I signed-up for 4 math courses in my Fall Quarter with the proviso that if I sensed I could not make a good grade in a course I would withdraw from the course quickly. By my last quarter at UC I had my course load appropriate and I made straight "A's". This was my last quarter at UC. I had studied from the years 0028 through 0032 and I would graduate with a BA degree in math. UC in 0032 gave only a BA degree in math, regardless of how much science you had taken. I had taken some courses in physics and on several occasions in the UC Bookstore I had seen the Feynman three volume set of The Feynman Lectures on Physics and was very much impressed by them. I could barely understand the pages that I flipped through. But no matter, I could always use them as a reference source. I wanted some physics textbooks in my collection of books before I departed UC. Now in my senior year and just about to depart UC, I felt I had to purchase them. My owning the three volume set of books by Feynman is a story in itself and I am going to tell it at this point of the book even though it skips around alot in chronological time. In my University of Cincinnati year of 0032 I first bought the three volume set of books The Feynman Lectures on Physics and I 132 remember they cost $8.50 apiece. After buying them I glanced through them and found them most difficult reading. And I was only able to read the first chapter in the first volume with any ease. And I had remembered Feynman's remark on page 1-2 that he thought the atomic fact was the most important idea, of all ideas, in all of science. The Feynman Lectures on Physics Volume I Addison-Wesley [0023] page 1-2 states : "If, in some cataclysm, all of scientific knowledge were to be destroyed, and only one sentence passed on to the next generations of creatures, what statement would contain the most information in the fewest words? I believe it is the atomic hypothesis (or the atomic fact, or whatever you wish to call it) that all things are made of atoms-- little particles that move around in perpetual motion, attracting each other when they are a little distance apart, but repelling upon being squeezed into one another. In that one sentence, you will see there is an enormous amount of information about the world, if just a little imagination and thinking are applied. To illustrate the power of the atomic idea, suppose (continued.)" That paragraph was glued into my mind. It was probably the most important single paragraph I have ever read. When I first read this paragraph in 0032 and later again in 0033, I was not in agreement with Feynman. I did not like his opinion on the atomic fact. Jumpingforward, I am glad I was not in consensus with Feynman of his opinion that the atomic fact was the most important of all facts, because I would remember his opinion even better. If Feynman had just said, well, here is an important fact, it may not have become glued to my mind. Instead Feynman was saying this is the most important fact of all facts. Because he said it was the most important, and because I did not want to accept it as such at that time, but I could not replace it with anything better of my own. For these reasons this statement was rivetted into my mind. Jumpingforward to 0035, while teaching in Australia, I would try to look for something to replace Feynman's most important fact. I had carried the Feynmann Lectures series with me to Australia. The first fateful chapter in which Feynman says the most important fact in all the world is the atomic fact. I was still in my school day habits of using yellow magic markers to underline what I thought was important and I only highlighted the first chapter since I read only the first chapter. To say the Lectures were tough reading is putting it mildly. The Lectures I believe were too tough for 133 graduate students in physics and really designed for physics professors. I think the Lectures are a perfect set of books for physics professors to use as a reference. I was amazed by the first chapter that Feynman would put such importance on the atomic fact. Why so much emphasis on this one fact puzzled me then, but it shaped my thinking from thence forward. That paragraph was highlighted in my brain all those years, branded is a better description. Out in Utah in the late 0030's long after I had returned from teaching in Australia where I had carried the three volume set with me, and had mailed them home in a leather duffel bag (of Willis's Army-Air Force days). I never read the Lectures and I was disgusted over my having now colored in yellow highlighter, the first and third volume. This nice set of physics books, I had defaced. So one time when the bookbuyers at Utah State came through I up and sold the Lectures, they were so much weight anyway and I never read diligently beyond the first chapter of the first volume except to see what Feynman wrote about quantum theory in the third volume of the Lectures. To compare the Lectures with the book The Character of Physical Law. I do not remember me ever reading more than one or two pages at a sitting in the 2nd volume. The 1st volume was what I looked at the most and a little in the 3rd where alot of the quantum theory was. I was disappointed that Feynman did not give the Dirac equation. In short, I was using the Feynman Lecture series as reference. Like a fire that starts with a spark and takes a very long time to ignite, that first chapter where the atomic fact is discussed in detail is perhaps the most fateful paragraph in my life. I later bought the Lectures again, new in Seattle at the Univ. of Washington. This was a short while just before I would go into the Navy in the Spring of 0042. I had spent a few winter months in Seattle after leaving Signal Mtn Lodge in the Grand Tetons. Still I would not read this brand new set of the Lectures but they felt like my personal library. I would not deface this brand new set by highlighting in it. And I wanted the series, otherwise I felt I would have too big of a hole missing without an authoritative physics type of text and the Lectures fulfilled that gap even though I did not use them much at all. Then much later when I emigrated to the Cayman Islands, I again shipped this new set of Lectures, completely unmarked and virtually in new condition to the Islands in 0047. But in the Caymans I had no interest in math nor physics and when I started to 134 plan for my departure of the Islands and my trip to Canada, I wanted to go as light as possible. The Lectures took up way too much space because they required two of those 19 liter white PVC buckets which I used for mailing containers. The Lectures had too much space, plus weight. The cost of shipping would be too high for what little use I seemed to have for them. I could always read them at a big enough library. So I found a Cayman High School student to buy the three volumes from me for $6. total. Then in 0052, I needed to hold up the Lectures at my second public speech at a fraternity of Dartmouth students. So I bought the commerative set of the Feynman Lectures which I will keep for the remainder of life. And this time I have marked them again, not in, but on. I have written PLUTONIUM on the bottom edge in big black permanent ink. My last year at UC and my last quarter I attained the Dean's list and when I went to the Dean's office to inquire about my graduation they informed me that I had graduated several quarters earlier since I had taken such heavy earlier quarter loads. I did not attend the UC graduation as I did not attend the Wyoming High School graduation. Feeling that pomp held no meaning for me, and there was no mandatory requirement to attend. Play Bach's Well Tempered Clavier , a piano version of the song which is usually combined with Ava Maria song circa graduation UC. I felt somewhat out in the cold after UC that now here was the big wide open world and I have to get a job now. And soon make a living for myself and support myself. I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach. I was no longer a kid, but a grown-up. And now I had to go out and meet this cold new world. A whole new experience, getting a job which related to my math degree. I did not realize the full potential of college placements and how helpful they were in getting a job. I would discover later at Utah State the importance of this placement service. When you are young, idealistic, chasing knowledge, you are blinded broadside to many practical things of your life which only later through different experiences do you come around to seeing as quite helpful. I was burnt-out of math and studying and was happy to see the summertime approaching. I wanted something which I had craved since High School and wanted at UC but was too shy and felt I would fall-behind in my studies if I devoted time to chasing girls or dating girls. I was now a graduate with the big wide world open in front of me. I wanted sex. 135 I was tempted sexually thrice in my UC years. I am happy I resisted all of them. When I was at UC in the geology library hard at study, a girl sat opposite me and started rubbing her legs on mine. I did nothing. Then she wrapped her legs around mine, there is no clearer signal then that. I said to her politely I had a math test the next day, and she got-up and departed in a testy mood. Once on a geology field trip a girl riding with us in my VW Beetle and when the others were dropped-off leaving only her and myself, she started to make advances upon me. I said to her "Sorry I am not interested." Why I said that was because she had talked excessively about her last boyfriend. I seem to have no interest in women with a past. One day I went over to paint an apartment for S&H Investments and was painting the bedroom of a tenant. She was very attractive and about 5 years older than me. Her husband was probably not showing her enough attention. She wanted her apartment painted, and I was on a stepladder in the bedroom when she came in to get something under the bed. I guessed it was her slippers. She was wearing a short skirt and when she scooted herself out from under the bed it pulled her skirt all the way up that she was stark naked in front of my eyes. The sight of her was beautiful, the sight of a nude women, but the biggest thing that raced through my mind was that I would be in big trouble, rape, and her husband would come through the door any moment. Or that, she and her husband were setting me up. I pretended I saw nothing. I was scared it was a frame-up because she and her husband knew my father owned the apartments. As the years went by I said to myself I should have, seeing the image of this naked woman, but I quickly came back to the same feeling that I am glad I did not. Pleasure sex is meaningless, there is nothing of good to show for it afterwards. Pleasure sex has no more permanence then which direction the wind is blowing. Later, while going to Utah State University out West, I often told people that the girls on the East coast were more aggressive, all because of these incidents. I think in a sense it is true because on the East coast there are more people per unit area and so the females feel that they need to be more aggressive. After graduating from UC, I was reminded of my sophomore year at working out West in Glacier National Park. I was going to spend the summer working in another National Park rather than work painting and grass cutting for Willis's S&H apartments. The excitement of travel along with work. I was so drained of studying 136 that I felt like packing up my blue VW Beetle and just finding a job in a National Park out West. Since I had worked at Glacier National Park one season I wanted to go across Canada to get to the West. I drove up through Michigan and had reached Sault Ste. Marie, and at the border crossing the Canadian official kept saying "Eh, Eh, Eh". And I said I was looking for a job and I immediately realized that I had erred, for he misunderstood me. I was not going to work in Canada but work when I got out of Canada at Glacier Natl. Park. There was no way for me to straighten him out. I was excluded and expelled from driving through Canada. I was mad, such xenophobia. There was no way that I could explain to him that my intentions were not to work in Canada, just to travel through Canada. This experience would help me later in life whenever I encountered border officials and especially in 0048 when I lived in Canada for a few months. I had to backtrack my route and I cut across to go to Denver and stopped at Estes Park, the entrance to the Rocky Mountain National Park. I spent the summer in Estes. I was a fresh college graduate, with no real job relating to math lined-up but I was so tired of cramming, and studying that I just wanted this summer work vacation. I would spend it here in Estes. At Estes they had a job placement service office where a director would send you to different employers. He sent me to a motel. There was a potwashing job open. I was not picky and had worked at hard labor most of my life. I wanted to be around girls to get a date and so I filled out the employment sheet at the motel office. The manager looked at it which stated I was a college graduate in math. He could hardly believe it. Why would a graduate want to wash pots, a potwasher. He asked me "What is the square root of minus 1?" I said "It is the number i, but you stand corrected, it is by math negative 1, not minus 1." Without a doubt he realized I was a math major. But I think I was more surprised that a manager of a motel even knew about the number i. I started washing pots that same day, but the good part was that I had an instant home on the property of this motel. On that first day of work, I met one of the waitresses. She was very pretty, taller than myself, somewhat thin and athletic. J.C. was also a college graduate one year older than me, and she wanted to go to a movie. The first date in my entire life. I had bought her dinner in Estes Park, and I seemed to be not that afraid of talking to girls any more. Perhaps I had plenty of things to talk about, since I now was a Uni graduate, but my conversations 137 were usually clumsy, and a bit awkward. What girl wants to hear about science or abstract matters, my real interests? So my talk usually verged on the shy side. I could never reduce myself to petty talk, it was altogether alien to me, and this was a shame, I felt, for to be good with women, seemed as if small talk, not serious talk was the forte. Even if I started to babble sweet nonsense it would end-up with me coming around to analyzing something. It would end-up in some kind of science or math analysis of some idea brought-up in the petty talk. I would turn petty talk into some form of analysis. My natural tendency was shyness, introspection, and perfectionism. After dinner we went to a movie and the only thing that stuck in my mind about the movie was that it had Schiller's Ode to Joy in it. I remembered this because she had mentioned this and was telling me what the poem was. Schiller's Ode to Joy was new to me, not the Beethoven music, for I had heard that before. She knew Schiller's Ode to Joy because she was an English major. My mind was on her, not the movie, as I was touching her, exploring her body. She allowed me and encouraged me, and kissing her. And after the movie I went with her to her cabin outside of town and I slept with her. My first sex; it was fun. But to this day I do not know if I, the dog, or her, were to blame for an accident. For the next morning the middle of the bed smelled wet with piss. Someone had pissed in the middle of the bed. I was trying to think if I had ever bed wetted before. Did her big dog jump onto the bed out of jealousy and urinate between us to mark out his territory? Or did she bed wet? Maybe I did? What a mystery, perhaps I had done it? Maybe it was me, because this was my first sex experience. It does not matter much now, it is all past history. I lived with her for a few days at the cabin. Then one night, a cowboy knocked on the door loudly, kind of drunk wanting to come in, and she would not let him in, the door chain prevented it. He looked big and sounded rowdy. I could see that he was wearing a cowboy hat. And I guessed she knew that he would start a fight with me if she let him in. She managed to talk him into going away, with the promise that he could see her tomorrow. I felt that I was soon going to get into some trouble, some fist-fight, over her. She was so pretty and the realization came to me quickly that she had many boyfriends. What did I mean to her? After that night, I moved back to the motel. Many days later working at the motel, me potwashing, she waitressing, she came to me and suggested we go to Denver for 138 dinner, and a movie. The same way this affair had originally started. I guessed she had rid herself of the cowboy boyfriend. I anxiously said yes. Yes, because I wanted more sex with her. I was still not good at dating. I was rough with other people's feelings, and jealous of her boyfriends. I seemed to focus the conversation on J.C.'s boyfriends. I was so very immature, so self-centered. Instead of walking and holding J.C. on the sidewalk of Denver, I walked faster than her and so she immediately reprimanded me. I am a quick learner, I will never walk faster than my date. We ate in a Chinese restaurant in Denver and watched a movie. The movie is a complete blank to me perhaps I had seen it before, I was affectionately touching J.C.. After the movie I was driving back in my VW Beetle to Estes. But instead of making it to her cabin we camped-out on the side of a mountain. I was in such a rush to make love that I could not get those frustrating poles of the tent correct. Finally in disgust I put all the tent poles in the VW Beetle and I pulled J.C. in the tent laying on the grass like one huge sleeping bag, tent unassembled, making love, the most pleasurable love. It seemed for an instant of time my brain or mind had completely vanished, had smoothed-out with the entirety of Nature. I could relate with the wolf howling for his mate, the tomcat fighting for his mate. For an instant of time I felt I was not on Earth, but a small part of Nature, and an even smaller part of a universal plan. Climaxing, I just lay on top of J.C. exploring her body, I wanted to do it again, but I have to wait to charge up my battery. The next morning I wanted to do it again. I felt none of life's nagging anxieties. For one of the few times in my life, it seemed I had no anxieties of the future. My mind felt lost of desire. The mental gymnastics, the mental get-up-and-go were gone. I felt desexed. My maleness had vanished and had combined with her femaleness. I felt no urgent need, no urgency to do anything, no aggression, no striving. I felt I can and should take life easier. Sex gives me that sheen, that shine of satisfaction. When we arrived back at J.C.'s cabin we went into the backyard, just lounging, looking at the brambles and cottonwood trees and then J.C.'s neighbor joined us. My temperament after so much sex, I actually felt like listening to what other people talked about. Their whatever concerns they raised, I felt sympathetic which I rarely did before. What more could a young 22 year old ask for? I had an education and I had a pretty girl. We were then sleeping together at her cabin. One night she said 139 to me "Do you love me?" and as fast as she asked. I said "No". I said just one word "No"; nothing else. She threw something at me, a pillow. She ripped out of bed and stormed into the other room slamming the door. I sensed that was the end of it, and the next morning she drove me towards the motel, not saying a word and mad all the distance. When she stopped her car next to my parked VW, she said words to the effect "Get out, I do not want to hear anymore of your shit." Emotionally, I really loved her, and many times later I would reflect back thinking about her. Songs like Bob Dylan's Girl From The North Country , and I threw it all away would remind me of J.C.. A person's first lover, whether a good experience or even if it turns out as a bad experience, always remains in that person's mind, always. She was the first women that gave me her body. She gave me her body, lovingly, freely. I really did love her. At that moment of time in which I said "No", I was not sure of why I had said it. The speed at which I said "No" , the fast speed at which the "No" came out of my mouth, I am quite sure now in 0052 as I write this, that the "No" was already there awaiting for her question to happen. After the split, I rationalized that I had said it because of J.C.'s other boyfriends. Again my reasoning, my rational mind coming into action. I was so immature at that time of my life. I had immediately said "No", but if I had been more mature, perhaps if I had been just a little more mature, I would have said what I really felt, not reasoned. Perhaps I would have said "J.C., I love you, lets get married." Or "J.C., you are the love of my life." "Yes, I love you, I love you so very much, and I can't seem to get enough of you." Play the song Jack Tarr The Sailor (5:29 time) sung by Harvey Reid and I sing along with the following lyrics superposed. A math major and his first love were making their way. Through the fields and the meadows in the Colorado Rockies. The dew it did sparkle on the fresh growing grass. And the larks they sang melodious in the year 0032. Many kisses from his lips he placed on her head. Making love to his dear J.C. as a sign of his love. For I am bound off by Fate where the loud cannons roar. And I am bound to leave J.C.. She is the girl that I adored. And I am bound to leave J.C.. And I am bound to leave J.C.. And I am bound to leave J.C.. She is the girl that I first loved. 140 The Truth is an Atom and low does it lay. With particle and wave it makes every day. It is waiting at anchor for the next flow in wave. And if ever I return again. I will make you my bride. Twenty and two years she waited in memory. Her heart was mixed to see L.P. once again. And spying a topsail she ran to the bay. For his ship it was arriving in the year 0054. And his ship it was arriving. And his ship it was arriving. And his ship it was arriving, in the year 0054. They lowered a longboat and came to the land. She looked all around but could not spy her man. Then up-spoke the surgeon with a gruesome tale of yore. Saying L.P. he has gone to his reward. Saying L.P. the Math major. Saying L.P. the Math major. Saying L. Plutonium, he has gone to his Maker. ______________________________________________________ After this emotional involvement, I felt I could not work at the motel anymore where I would be in contact with J.C. And went to work on a paint crew around Estes Park. I quickly tired of painting and drove my VW Beetle home to Ohio. Willis did not expect to see me until some time late in the Fall of 0032. I was home early. When I came home from my abbreviated summer of 0032. I was given a big surprise by Willis. Willis told me of his planned move out West. He wanted to quit his job as landscape architect for Kenney. Sell all his real estate in Ohio and move and retire somewhere out West. I was all for it, mostly because of my idealization of the West. The big wide open spaces and the romantic notion of the single cowboy, me. I had just come from out West and now we were going to make the West our new home. I was jumping with joy. I was humming Home, Home on the Range and I was going to live on the range. I was singing Home, Home on the Range. This idealization, this romance of the wide open and free West was soon going to be my home. I liked the Western movie genre and I liked the Science Fiction genre. I was going to fully support Willis in this move out West and I was not going to give any resistance. Such as the possibility that I may have to return to UC leaving Willis and new home out West. I was much under the influence, the idealization of the West. I liked Western shows, first from Willi who had a preference for 141 Western TV shows and Western TV movies and I would watch Westerns along with him. I can remember well Maverick with these two gamblers Bret and Bart, and Gunsmoke, and Bonanza . Then after I was adopted and moved to Wyoming Ohio, and saw a new series appear on TV which was not a Western and I was immediately attracted to it Star Trek. in 0026. I was most fascinated by the logic of Spock and the machine which beams persons around. I was still watching every Western TV movie and Willis would take me to any newly released Western movie at a movie theater. And I am sure it was one of the lures for deciding to move out West to Utah. Never underestimate the power of idealism, and I was glorifying Western movies. Once Upon a Time in the West 0029 after watching this I had to buy a harmonica. The Hired Hand 0031, I watched with my friend Stuart and I remember what a good story it was because it had only the essential conversation, no unnecessary words were spoken. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in 0029 and Jeremiah Johnson (JJ) 0032 which was filmed on location in the Utah Mountains were two of my favorite Westerns and they were filmed in Utah where Willis and I would settle. The scenery in JJ so much reminds me of the many mountain excursions Willis and I went on while in Utah, him taking photographs and me looking for rocks and minerals or special trees, pinenut trees. Willis had said he did not care what I became, even a bank robber, as long as I liked it. Willis had perhaps picked that line from The Wild Bunch 0029. This idealized lure of the Western movie genre was so strong that years later in 0034-0035, I convinced Willis via airmail from Australia, to start building shops on West Center, Moab all in a Western movie type image. The western front of board-and-batten, and wood walking planks you would often see in movies. And this influenced Willis so much that while I was in Australia teaching math, Willis bought a different house to live in, located on 327 Opal street, instead of West Center street. And after he sent me a photo of the new bought house I wrote back that it looked artificial. Willis agreed to make it a Western motif and bought a power saw and bought rough sawn board and made the house board-and-batten Western looking, like in a Western movie. Jumpingforward, I saw Missouri Breaks 0036 and The Outlaw Josey Wales 0036 and it put me in such a "mental euphoric state of high" that I believe this spurred me into buying 2 hectares of raw land in Missouri in 0038 while still living in Utah. What 142 impracticality that was. What need or use did I have for raw land in Missouri while living in Utah? Never underestimate the silliness of idealism, I would later think. I never did anything with this raw land, it was just that idealistic satisfaction that I owned rawland in Missouri. It was spurred on by a movie. Never underestimate the power of idealistic thinking, it can drive a man to chase after real estate or women for not much avail, and very little use. I was abandoning my pragmatic outlook. Greed of land ownership was clouding over my good pragmatic commonsense. Later out in South Dakota in 0046 when I was more mature and wiser I would have preferred the original white siding of the newly bought house on Opal street in Moab, Utah. Rough sawn board and batten is too susceptible to fire. And I am glad Willis never started construction of Western style stores on the 90 West Center Street land, because after Willis died in 0036, I did not want to take care of buildings and a new construction would have been just a new big problem, besides Moab was soon to go into a recession, or depression because of the price of uranium and the skyrocketing interest rates in 0040. Jumpingforward, perhaps The Wild Bunch is now forming in 0052 as of the time of this writing, me as Pike, but instead of banks and trains, it is a physics and math revolution. I have turned into something I truly like, a job as a physics and math revolutionary. Most of my likening of the Western genre, wide open land, the spirit of freedom, do anything, conquer all if you set your mind to it, were immature dreams, even though I had them when I was in my early twenties. Then in my later years I would come around 180 degrees from my earlier position. I would no longer like this idealization or romance of the West. Such is life, things we like when young we outgrow. That probably is the clearest indication of maturity. During the time I gave-up what I liked most when young and I now preferred something different which in some respect is opposite to my preferences when young is a good sign, a sign of maturity. It was gradual where I gave-up on my romance of the Western genre, but I immediately recognized a big attitude change while in Australia as a teacher. I was 25 years old as a teacher. I would guess this was a distinct reversal in my attitude and so this period I would say I had matured a leap above my previous attitude. I had begun to like chemical companies and oil companies. Before this attitude change I was deeply persuaded through High School, UC, and Utah State, by ecology and environmental preservation. But this philosophy of 143 pragmatism had gradually persuading me of a fundamental attitude change, that the answer to these issues is not what the radicals want, to stop everything. Put a halt to everything. No, rather instead that in bad there is good, and in good there is some bad. Much later I would come to invest in these same companies which if someone talked about them when I was in High School reading about ecology and DDT, and insecticide. I would have had a hatred of these things. I would have been a radical protester against these companies. Such is life, the process of growing and maturing is a process of reevaluation of our likes, wants, and desires. So the big news to me in the autumn of 0032 was that Willis wanted to move out West. Sell all his real estate and retire close to his brothers in Tucson and Salt Lake City. It was a big surprise most of all to Willis's brother Stanley and his sister Thelma who both lived near us in Ohio, for Willis never dropped any hint of his plans to move out West. Since I had no job lined up relating to my math. I started to look for a job with the UC placement starting in the autumn of 0032, realizing that Willis was moving out West. If anything that my Estes Park experience taught me well was to use the job placement board as much as possible. I had decided to either get a job relating to my math or go back to UC for a Teaching Certificate so I could get a job teaching math in High School. Truthfully I had "butterflies in my stomach" just thinking about being a teacher. What me, I am so shy, so much of an introvert. If I get in front of people I would be laughed at and be frightened. Even so, I convinced myself that with shyness, and fright, I would go on with pursuing a job related to my math. I had come too far in math, even struggling through summerschool, that I was not going to give-up and work in something where my 4 years of math were inconsequential. I tried very hard to get a job with the UC placement but it looked like my only hope was with the Peace Corps. Teaching math in a foreign country. The math teaching and traveling very much appealed to me, but the learning of a foreign language was unappealing. But one thing nice about the Peace Corps was that I did not need a Teaching Certificate, my BA degree in math sufficed. Willis and I took our usual vacation out West, but this one in 0032 was different from the others. We had a mission. We were looking for a place to move to from Wyoming, Ohio to somewhere here out West. Willis wanted it close to his brothers, his two 144 brothers in Tucson, Arizona and one brother in Centerville, Utah just north of Salt Lake City. I wanted the town which we would decide on, to be a small town near a National Park, since all our vacations had focused around National Parks in between visiting Willis's relatives. We had seen Moab, Utah before, surrounded by several Natl. Parks and mountains and I remembered that great spaghetti dinner a year past. For much of this vacation I remember gazing at the Road Atlas to pick-out a town to move to. Moab was my pick because it was the right size of town, a small town, the aura of a Western movie frontier town. I believe Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid hid in the Canyonlands. Moab had tall mountains, and three National Parks surrounding it. Moab was my choice because it had the ingredients of 3 Natl. Parks, mountains, a small town and most important it felt like the "Wild West". Willis liked the idea also because even though it was not in Tucson or Salt Lake, it was close enough to either one. Moab was between Tucson and Salt Lake and so it was reasonable to retire between his brothers. Our vacation revolved around Moab that year of 0032. When we arrived in Moab that summer, Willis and I spent nearly all the time real estate market shopping. He was looking for some apartment complex to buy so that some steady income would come in during his retirement. He wanted to repeat his investment strategy out here in Moab as he had done in Ohio. Willis did his homework well when it came to investing in real estate, and he bargained on this large 90 West Center Street property, slightly more than a quarter of a block, which had a concrete built dentist office and house plus four small rental concrete block houses. It was run-down since the owner lived in California, and Moab was depressed at that time because uranium prices were low. Moab for those that do not know has a rich history of uranium mining and other types of mining activities. Willis bought at exactly an opportune time because the uranium market was depressed. We drove back home to Ohio rather glad. And Willis had the big chore cut-out for him in that he had to quickly sell his various real estate in Ohio and sell our home on Ridgeway. Sell the home last. I had my chore cut-out for me. I had to find a job relating to my math degree or return back to UC for a Teaching Certificate in order to teach math in High School. Willis made the surprise announcement to all his relatives there in Ohio and elsewhere that he was moving out West. Stanley later said he was so surprised, that Will had given no clue of his 145 [Pages 146 through 155 are missing.---Ed.] made up that I was going to teach math in English. I was not going to learn Malay and that I was hoping that perhaps just before we are to be given our teaching assignment the instructors will give-in, will relent, and say, revert to English. Or that all the teachers when they get to their assignment revert to English as a rule. I was going under the assumption that the persons-in-charge only liked for us to teach in Malay. It was not mandatory and that it was a common practice to revert to English. My assumption was wrong, I could not revert to English. The head of the program kept giving the signals that English was out, and he strongly declared that if we did not teach our subject in Malay that we are not wanted as teachers, period. The message finally came through to me that I could not revert to English. I would have to endure this heat, take these malaria mosquito risks, and learn Malay. No, I think I will quit. It was here in Malaysia where I saw deep poverty. Children and girls sleeping in the gutter. I saw leprosy and malaria. I was paranoid of catching malaria and so I slept inside of a tent on top of my bed surrounded by mosquito netting. I could not take this heat, this climate, and if I wear shorts, the mosquitoes will give me malaria. I finally said to myself, I really cannot cope with this situation. I want home. I had thought that I was persistent and I would never give-up but after several months, I said I quit, I want home. I did not want to learn this new language, I wanted to teach math but I did not want to know this language which I was force fed every day. I remember before airplaning home that I was thoroughly medically checked-out. I was worried about having caught malaria, but I had not. It is incredible to me that man is supposed to have originated from tropical or subtropical climates like this but disease is rampant. How could Homo Sapiens have evolved from such disease infested climates such as this? I remember US tourists coming through Tana Rata, the Malaysian Cameroon Highlands, and they had just the slightest conception of catching disease. That they were getting mosquito bites all over and had not even heard of the special pills to take as a preventive. This was my impression then about tourists, people touring, or vacationing and it is the same impression now. That touring or vacationing, although they are very fun experiences are virtually a worthless exercise, a waste of time. That if you want to learn something about a place or get a ÒfeelÓ for a place you have to live 156 there for several months. A tourist is not much better than going to the bathroom at the airport of a new place while refueling the airplane and saying you have been there. It is true that you have been there but your perceptions are not much more than that of a bathroom at a airport. My feelings are opposed to touring and vacationing. I have kept this viewpoint with me to the present. Jumpingforward, when I was in Australia 0034-0036, I made no effort to see New Zealand, Perth, Ayers Rock, Tasmania. I stayed in Melbourne my whole time there, except when a friend wanted to show me a sight. But I made no effort to see anything. The same happened when I was in the Navy in the early 0040's, I had no desire to take in any new sights but remained mostly on the ship. I have no ambition to visit or tour the sights. If I had free time it was usually spent at the library, browsing. The same then as is now, since arriving at Dartmouth College in 0048, I have seldom ventured out of Hanover. One could easily find me either at the computer center or in one of the libraries. I had no desire to see Vermont, Maine, New York City, or many other attractions. I have no extra time to spare, no time to waste, for I had come to the resolution after I had my first real job relating to math, that I was on some special mission. Some very important, meaningful, special mission which would absorb my time. Even though I was a quitter in the Peace Corps, I enjoyed this experience so much that I wanted more of the same. That I wanted to combine my job with travel. So many new things to learn. I wanted a teaching job along with actually living in a foreign country. Reinterpretation with respect to the ATOM. The element tin is a magic number 50, and I was born under the element tin 1950 as per the old calendar which starts the year 0000 with the spread of Lucretius's De Rerum Natura. Tin is a very stable element since the so called magic numbers for protons are 2,8,20,50,82,114 and the magic numbers for neutrons are 2,8,20,50,82,126,184. Tin with atomic number 50 is the element which has the superlative of having 10 stable isotopes, 10 stable isotopes is the highest number of isotopes of all the elements. Tin is the homolog of germanium from the periodic chart of elements, and germanium was named after Germany, the country of my birth. Later I would emigrate to America, USA where I will discover the Plutonium Atom Totality. The successor element after plutonium is americium for America, USA. Malaysia has one of the world's largest tin reserves. 157 I actually saw a tin mining operation. I believe that the Protons superdetermined to send me to Malaysia for two important reasons. Why Malaysia? Why not some other country in the world? Why was I not made to be a math teacher in a High School in USA? Protons sent me to Malaysia so that I would ingest many atoms of tin which would congregate in my brain. And the other reason was for me to see life in a tropical jungle, to experience life near the equator, and I would go back to the temperate climate with the exclamation that how could Homo Sapiens thrive in such heat, such disease? How could mankind have originated biologically from such a heat swell of disease and plague? Some important lessons was I taught in Malaysia. When I go to a new place, invariably it is the food that I remember the longest. Good food, I remember long after I forget the sights and people. I had the best peanuts and rice dishes, especially curry rice in Malaysia. Utah days are here again. Back to Utah, I was airplaned home and I rejoiced in feeling the cold weather of Utah, the snow. How so good is a temperate climate. Temperate climate is the best in the world. I was kind of disappointed that I was a quitter. My next game plan was recommended to me by Willis. That I attend Utah State University in Logan, Utah or the University of Utah in Salt Lake City for a teacher's certificate in order to teach math in High School. We went up to Karsten's (WillisÕs brother) for a visit for the purpose of looking into Utah State. I decided to go to Utah State over U of U. I wanted a more relaxed environment, a smaller school. This is the time that the topic of Òwriting a bookÓ first entered into my life. While spending these nice winter Utah days after Malaysia. This was before I was a math teacher and long before I felt confident to write anything. The desire to write books was not mine, it was WillisÕs desire. I can still see the images of the big glass windows of the Moab dentist office building on West Center street. We lived in this building and the trays of dentist metal. And Willis wanted to set-up a hand printing press in this office in order to write books. He wanted to do a book on travel where he was going to combine his many slide pictures, and to give slide show talks, and sell this travel book. He was now retired and I suppose he was looking forward to his older days when he could not get around so well and that a book project was going to suit him. He liked things like that because he used to do jigsaw puzzles in the wintertime and 158 watch TV. He seemed to like to do two things at once. If it wasn't jigsaw puzzles and TV, then it was hook rugs and TV. I remember a bad gift that I once bought Willis while we were still in Ohio and I was in High School. It was a tape recorder, and it was a gift for him at Christmas but it was something that I wanted also, and so in buying it for him I was going to use it more. Willis saw through my intentions immediately and was much displeased. So now out here in Utah, many years later, this Christmas I gave Willis half the money towards the buying of this printing press, which was manufactured in Connecticut. This gift, it would be obvious to Willis that I was never going to use for myself, for I had no interest in writing as I felt all my compositions stunk. I remember Willis and I carrying this heavy printing press after it had been shipped out from the East, and installing it in the dentist office, an ideal spot for it. Sadly however, I never saw Willis ever use the printing press. Willis if you were alive now in 0052 as of the writing of this book series, you could easily have written your travel book on one of these computers. The word processing that I am using to write these books is so fast and easy and clean. There is no ink all over the place and it is very easy to change things. No, a printing press is a primitive equipment compared to these computers, these Apple workstations. It is ironic Willis that you loved English compositions and was an excellent writer and set things up and made preparations with ample pictures to press out a book. While I hated writing, hated photography, and felt that writing a book was a waste of time. Now I am writing a series of books. It is ironic that the spoiled gift that you were displeased with and I was ashamed of my intentions after giving it to you, since I used the tape recorder more than you. But this printing press that I helped pay for was used just once and I sold it for 1/30 of its price after you died. Now that I am writing these books I could use many of your pictures Willis but I have none. I do not even have a picture of you Willis. The many pictures of Ohio, Utah, you and me and the people who I am writing about I have none of those pictures for I threw them all out after you died. A Thoreau lifestyle has to go light. So I made-up my mind to go to Utah State University (USU) for a Teaching Certificate. I found a low-budget place to rent and I had the VW Karmann Ghia as a vehicle. I was going to work for my Teaching Certificate at USU which would take two quarters to complete. 159 ______________________________________________________ 0034-0036 ______________________________________________________ The winter of 0034, I would start Utah State University (USU) for the first time in my life. I was then 24 years old. I was at USU as of 1 January going for a Teaching Certificate which I would obtain at the end of Spring Quarter at USU. I would spend the Winter Qtr. from 1 January until 20 March and the Spring Qtr. from 20 March until 6 June of 1974 at USU. Although I did not save any pictures from Willis, I did save some of my University ID photos. Include photos. This is the calendar arrangement for the Quarter system at USU Òin generalÓ. USU Fall Qtr not valid after 1Jan USU Winter Qtr not valid after 20 March USU Spring Qtr not valid after 6June After sometime at USU I really began to like this school and came to the opinion that because of its size and location it is one of the very best schools in all of the USA. University of Cincinnati was a good school but it is in a large city environment. If UC could somehow be wholly levitated and moved to a setting such as say Moab, or Estes Park, or Jackson Hole. Away from eyesores, city smog and blight, urban decay, stress, and crime. Flashingforward to 0052 when I spent a day demonstrating at Harvard and MIT, I had the same opinion of these schools in comparison to Dartmouth. That Dartmouth excels them, not in the classroom quality of education but in the "environmental surroundings of that education". That perhaps the same facts learned at Harvard as compared to Dartmouth is a feeling of "grimy facts" as compared to "natural outdoorsy facts". At USU, I could not help but be invigorated after walking out of a classroom and breathe the fresh pine scented Rocky Mountain air. See the sun set behind the mountains to prepare to study. But before I open the books, stop by the Student Center and get one of those USU ice cream cones. Cache Valley ice cream made by USU themselves is really good. USU was an agricultural school and us graduates are Aggies. What a beautiful learning environment. The first quarter at USU went by with no problem. Then the second quarter came-up and I had to student teach. I was shy for most of my life and now here I am standing in front of children, trying to teach them. I was very nervous, and I felt that I was too nervous to be a good teacher. Looking back at it now, almost all new 160 teachers are nervous and have self-doubt as to whether they will overcome this fear of being in front of people and being the focus of attention. As we grow older this fear diminishes. And as we find a need, a purpose for being in front of other people to convey some message, the fear goes away. I felt as my own personal judge that with my nervousness that I was a below average teacher at the start, but still passing. I did not get over my nervousness until after my first teaching term in Australia. Students can sense if your nervous, and only after time does it go away, but in the meantime do the best. After the first term of teaching in Australia, I felt that I was an excellent teacher. I think that all the pupils who I have taught could see that I was a very serious person, and serious about doing a good job of teaching, even though I started out as nervous. After the two Quarters at USU, I had a Teaching Certificate and was wondering if I had to go through the same depressive experience for months and years just looking for my first real job, that job was now well-defined. I was going to teach math in a High School. I applied to the Moab High School but the superintendent turned me down stating the reason that I was short of stature, not athletically built. He was looking for some football built figure to teach math so to minimize behavioral problems. So that misbehavior in class would not occur. He thought that I would not be able to control the kids. Willis was very angered by this for it was unreasonable and he knew that I would have to leave Moab in order to teach. Willis was more upset about this incident with the Moab superintendent decision than I was. So Willis and I made regular trips to Logan to scout the job placement board and I spyed a teacher recruitment for Australia. A job hiring officer was going through the USA and USU was a favored stop. The recruiting officer was looking to hire teachers to teach in Australia. Only special subjects were wanted and math was one. It was my first interview and I wanted this job so very much. I was so enthusiastic at the interview, so enthusiastic, and so filled with joy. I think it was my enthusiasm more than anything else at the interview which gave me the acceptance. After the interview I wanted no other job for I wanted this job, only this job, it combined travel with work. I waited and it seemed like not long, perhaps a month and the placement office notified me that I had been accepted. The joy, the happiness in my life, this was one of the biggest and happiest moments of my life. Play Beethoven's Symphony No.3 the Eroica in entirety. The 161 Eroica was my favorite piece of music during this time of my life in 0034, and I was playing it at home in Moab awaiting for news of "Yes I am hired", or "No". The happiness and joy I felt for life now that I have finally obtained my first real job and could drop my feelings of worry, anxiety, frustration, depression. My feelings are contained in the Eroica . And the music fitted my feeling of the situation for although I had overcome a big test in life of finding a job related to my training, the larger job of really becoming an effective teacher was before me, and the music of the Eroica has that character of solving one large problem while another large problem is soon to come my way. That next large problem was for me to prove myself, that I could effectively teach. My first real job, the job of teaching in Australia. The anxiety, the feeling of worthiness in obtaining your first real job in life. The hunt is a frustrating experience to go through and only when it is over can you look back and say it came out alright but while living through it, the actual living of the experience tends on the least as anxious, gloomy and at worst as depressive and nightmarish. Now I must recount an important part of my academic life which started here at USU. It is important because it would culminate with the Atom Totality Theory. It was here at USU just before I would be airplaned to Australia to teach math that I had resolved to turn biology into math. It started immediately after I had my first real job relating to my math degree. It is a story which is independent of my schooling. It is a story of my self motivation. I had earned a math Teaching Certificate from Utah State University in the Spring of 0034 and had secured a teaching position in Australia. This self-motivation came out of the blue, perhaps as a mark of my joy, my happiness that I wanted to celebrate, to toast my good luck and to toast the future, that I embarked on an independent academic project. I started on an independent quest for turning the biological theory of evolution into pure math. It was directly after I knew I had my first real job. I went to the bookstore of USU and wanted a book on biological evolution. I would read it on the way down to Australia and while in Australia. I was not satisfied with the current state of biological evolution theory, for logically it said not much more than that the "fittest fit". Perhaps some strains of Lamarckian theory 162 are true? At least Lamarckian is clearer logically. Before leaving USU to airplane to Australia I wanted a biology text which amplified the theory of biological evolution. I wanted a textbook to study well and deeply while in Australia. So I went to the USU bookstore in the Spring of 0034 for that purpose of buying a biology textbook to carry with me to Australia. I bought a biology text titled CONCEPTS OF BIOLOGY a cultural perspective . Skimming this yellow covered book, I judged it was the best for my purpose, and the bonus was that it was small sized not one of these massive biology tomes of a text. A true science theory is powerful in its capacity to predict the future. Current biological evolution can give a plausible explanation for the past, for what has already happened. But it is deficient and weak in any capacity for future prediction. I wanted to convert biological evolution into a simple idea, or set of ideas, which were strictly math. This quest started in 0034 and would last, on and off, for 16 years. This quest was initiated by my self motivation by buying and reading the book CONCEPTS OF BIOLOGY a cultural perspective . And then later I bought a history of science book The Ascent of Man which influenced me because I loved the pictures in the book and the book emphasized quantum physics alongside biology. The book The Ascent of Man displays and discusses the theory of biological evolution like a beautiful painting. This book was superb reading as a history of science and when I first read it, it so engrossed me. I was dissatisfied with the biological theory of evolution and wanted to turn it into math. This was the start of my quest for a better theory of evolution, a math based theory which would subsume biological evolution. The book CONCEPTS OF BIOLOGY a cultural perspective would leave important impressions on me. The theme in the text which repeated itself often was that the deepest understanding, the underlying explanation of everything biological was reducible to what is going on chemically. At the time I bought it, I did not like the chapter titled "Fallout" for it sounded too much like nuclear war not a pure biology text. Now with the perspective of the Protons, I so much like that word. This biology text was written from the viewpoint of chemistry. It was an overview of biology and it explicitly enunciated the biological theory of evolution, calling it the Modern Synthesis. Stating the four mechanisms of the Modern Synthesis as (1) mutation, (2) genetic recombination, (3) differential reproductive success (which is a definition of natural 163 selection) and (4) reproductive isolation such as geographic isolation. Mutation and genetic recombination are genotype sources of evolutionary variability. Natural selection and reproductive isolation are phenotypic adaptations. Natural selection is differential reproductive success of genetic types, i.e., organisms with inferior traits leave on average fewer offspring than do those with superior traits. Inferior and superior are defined by the environment. Traits are initiated by mutation and recombination. Environment serves as the ultimate test for the "fitness" of variations. The term phenotype is used to describe a genetic trait as it is detected by our senses. For the genotypes TT and Tt then the plant is still tall, even though the short t is recessive. This biology text gave a good overview of cell theory. The lasting impression I got from this text was that all of biology is reducible to chemical explanation. With the help of this book I was hoping to chart a course to convert the theory of biological evolution into ideas of math. To give a math idea, or set of math ideas which contained the theory of biological evolution. I wanted to restate biological evolution, making it a math statement, a simple math idea, simple like a circle or sphere have absolute symmetry or a probability idea that things tend to a state of minimum energy requirements. I planned to set aside time for myself, especially during summer school vacation while in Australia to study these books well. To study biology well. While in Australia, I read the biology text CONCEPTS OF BIOLOGY a cultural perspective twice. I no longer have my copy and it is out of print. I had the Dartmouth College library system run an interlibrary loan on it. This biology text which I bought at Utah State in 0034, just before departing for my teaching job in Australia. I remember the text was excellent in its implication that ultimately all of biology is chemistry and it was the first attempt in a textbook, which I had perused, of reducing as much of biology down to chemistry. I remember the last chapter was titled "Fallout", and what a fateful title that was. The dominant impression I got from this text was that all of biology is reducible to a chemical explanation. It contained a discussion of atoms, protons, electrons in the chapter on life. Flashingforward to 0050, these impressions lay dormant in me for those 16 years. These impressions were precursors to the Plutonium Atom Totality where life is a radioactive fallout of what atoms do. 164 I was airplaned to Australia in Autumn 0034 leaving Los Angeles. It seemed like a longer flight than the one from Malaysia a year earlier. I could not get any sleep on this airplane and remember the flight passengers were all US teachers with everyone spread out for comfort, a disheveled crew of inexperienced teachers trying to get some sleep, since it was a long flight. And by the end of the flight we were sprayed with something like DDT upon approaching Australia for fruit flies or pest introduction control. We landed in Sydney and given a free hotel room, the Wentworth Hotel, and all the food we could eat for free at the hotel. I mostly spent the time sleeping. This would be my only acquaintance with Sydney, my one and only sightseeing of Sydney as I saw the pretty seashell-shaped music building by the harbor. Then I was airplaned into Melbourne and would stay with a Melbourne family volunteer from the school district until I found my own living accommodations. This family allowed me to live with them until I found my own flat. They were a very nice family and I must admit I was slightly home-sick. I was teaching math at Burwood Heights High School, East Burwood, a suburb of Melbourne, Victoria. My first term started 9th of Sept 0034. It was difficult because it was at the end of Australia's school year with the Australian summer coming up in December. And the pupils were undisciplined since they only had substitute teachers prior to me. In addition to being a new teacher, my first term in teaching was compounded for the worse by the fact that I had taken over a class where the original teacher had departed and I entered a class which was unruly and hard to shape-up. If you have ever taught a classroom of young people, you will know that if you do not start the school year with them and lay down the rules and law of class conduct, then it is difficult to shape these pupils into the discipline you want. Coming midstream into a new class is rough on a nervous new teacher. The next year when I started with my classes from day number 1, it was surprising how important that was-- not to jump-in the middle. For my first year in Melbourne, teaching at Burwood Heights, I lived with another teacher, John McMurrin to split the rent. John was an English teacher. We became friends and I enjoyed his conversations and opinions. He helped me get over my worst time teaching when I started at Burwood Heights because it was my first term teaching. And because I had this discipline problem over coming in at the end of the school year where no discipline had been instilled. 165 I would come home from school and just sit there staring at the wall thinking that it was hopeless. I was morose. I was thinking I was incapable of overcoming this discipline problem. That I was never going to see a happy day of teaching. John got an old Australian teacher, Hobba was his nickname, to come talk to me. To jolt me out of this depressive mood of a beginning teacher. The two of them helped immensely, not in anything that they said, recommended or prescribed, but just the fact that John and Hobba were willing to spend hours talking about teaching. They talked about there own teaching experiences. This helped bring me out of my depressive mood. I remembered the saying back in Wyoming High School "First to thine ownself be true", and John and Hobba elevated that saying to "First and above all to thine ownself be true." I wanted so much not to self deceive myself. I was morose and depressed. Would I repeat the quitter act of Malaysia? I wanted to say and do those things which I felt I had or wanted to do and never be compelled or forced to do things against my true character. Reinterpretation to PU. From Shakespeare's Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Act 1 scene 3 line 50 enter Polonius (polonium or plutonium) O, fear me not. Laertes. (ludwig) I stay too long. But here my father comes. A double blessing is a double grace; (quantum dualities) Occasion smiles upon a second leave. Polonius. Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame! The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail, And you are stayed for. There--my blessing with thee, And these few precepts in thy memory Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportioned thought his act. Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel, But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatched, unfledged courage. Beware Of entrance to a quarrel; but being in, Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; (I would change the above to: Give every man thy voice, but few my ears;) 166 [Pages 167 through 177 are missing.---Ed.] School. But it was never at the forefront of my thinking. Reading these brief selections in High School meant nothing to me at that time while in High School. Why would I want to sleep in the woods where there is no shower and all those insects biting for my blood? I remember from High School reading a short story The Open Boat , by Crane about some men whose boat capsized and they had to swim to shore and all drowned except one. The moral or theme was that nature, the elements, always rules over us. Always pay nature deep and abiding respect, for when we forget about her larger power, when we think we are above and beyond her, sure enough, she will make us sick or take our life even in a moment of victory or our highest arrogance. What interested me in this story by Crane at the time I read it was that I wanted my life to have a big challenge as what these swimmers were put through. I did not want to live a life ersatz, no big challenge, a life no more noteworthy than that I worked at such and such a job for forty years, watched TV, raised children then died. I wanted some big event that my life would go through, something like what the soldiers of WW1 or WW2 lived through. I was sure that through such a big event I would have lived. I wanted a big immense struggle, a challenge in my life that I could always reflect back, like the Old Man and the Sea reflected back to his lions. A challenge in life such as what the Old Man and the Sea had with his big catch. This desire for a big challenge, an adventure is the main reason, my feelings were predisposed to like the movie Papillon. as my most favorite movie when I was 26 years old. That challenge of adventure, and the indomitable will. I got to watch Papillon on a whim while in Australia. I was browsing around the student center at Monash after visiting the library and saw that there was a movie about to start and the price was cheap enough. What are the odds that I should randomly walk around and stumble to the door of a movie and watch it and it becomes my most favorite movie for a very long time? Later on to be replaced by Pharlap as my favorite movie. Protons would make it so that there are no coincidences. There are no random events. It was predetermined that I would see the movie Papillon. And this movie would be my favorite for a long time but the full meaning of this movie will probably not display itself to me until some distant time in the future, long past 0052. That I have to prepare now in the present for when the future Papillon event occurs that I will overcome the hardships and struggle. Jumpingforward, I would come to like the movie All Quiet on 178 the Western Front with Ernest Borgnine for this same reason of challenge and a big life's event. Much later in South Dakota in the last months of 0045, I would watch The Last Place on Earth a six part TV series of Amundsen's trek to the South Pole in competition with Scott. Again, I so much liked this TV series and I am sure I liked it because it was the same theme, I wished I had a life with that much challenge. Then Willis died in Apr0036 and I prepared to finish my last term of teaching and would airplane home about a month later. I had resigned my High School teaching position and would exit 7th May 0036. The Protons made it so that WillisÕs death and my motherÕs death, both, would happen while I was far away. I am happy it went that way, for I am rather cold and lacking of feeling. In a death scene, in order for me to be true to myself I would not display emotion and if I did, those emotions would probably be fake, and as the Australians say Òfaire dinkumÓ, for me I would want it to be faire dinkum. Followed by the rendition of STREETS OF LAREDO (2:59) playing time by Harvey Reid with autoharp and vocal where I superpose these lyrics. Willis Hansen , father of mine As I think of you now, images, flashbacks, memories I saw that you were a perfectionist Many times you used to go working Many times you were working Sometimes you were so happy Your heart attack in the breast, radioactive decay Radioactive decay 6 is a perfect number, and 6 is the number for carbon, the atomic number for life We both loved the West, independent, big sky, wide and open I will always have you in my mind Willis Hansen, father of mine, rest in peace in the Protons Have a tape-recorder playing the Bob Dylan song A HARD RAIN'S A-GONNA FALL . While Dylan is singing try to superpose my own lyrics. Oh where have you been my blue-eyed son, and where have you been my darling young one? I stumbled on the side of 10 to 11 where 7+4 is 11. I proved to see that 6 is absolutely perfect. I divided by 7, there are 7 energy levels, 7 shells. I have been out in front of a science revolution. 179 I multiplied by 100 times for the protons and neutrons. It's a radioactive plutonium atom, and it's going, going to radioactively grow. What did you see my blue-eyed son? I saw a nucleus with electrons all around it I saw a Coulomb interaction with the protons and electrons I saw blackbody radiation which is uniform microwave I saw blackbody radiation which makes the night sky dark I saw the missing mass solved by the nucleus I saw Classical physics all subsumed by Quantum physics What did you hear my blue-eyed son? I heard that ever heavier element nucleosynthesis is the most important thing I heard that our wave has no rest mass I heard protons are The Fields of Elysium I heard there was Acheron and Styx I heard there was The Furies of Hades What did you meet my blue-eyed son? I met many elm trees my dear father and I am sorry I hacked them down I met myself in Pharlap in a movie I met myself in Archimedes in my work I finally met my love, I love plutonium I met too much resistance and ignorance And what'll you do now my blue-eyed son? And what'll you do now my darling young one? I will prompt ever heavier element nucleosynthesis I will prompt others to do the same I will do more math proofs I will engineer new technologies, even though the people are many and their thoughts are mostly radioactive decay. Ever heavier element nucleosynthesis, where the protons are, where you are Willis. Back to Utah, I airplaned. After WillisÕs death I was feeling in a daze, lost, and alone. I was feeling mostly alone. What was I to do with these things of renting apartments, looking after rental 180 properties, fixing plumbing, alot of painting, cutting grass, collecting rent. The work was easy enough but could I do this the rest of my life. Was Moab my last stopping place, my permanent home? Was I to settle here? I did not have any time clock to punch-in and I made enough from the rents that I did not have to work. But I had liked my teaching when I was in Australia. So I made a compromising decision to get my ÒMastersÓ degree from Utah State as soon as the probation of WillisÕs estate had ended. Soon after Thoreau's Walden was mentioned to me by my friends in Moab in 0036, I was charmed by the idea of a reduced lifestyle to simplicity. I looked up Thoreau's work in the library and reread the beautiful passages when I was finished working for the day. Thoreau was a major influence on me and his lifestyle is what I emulated from 0036 even to the present time of this editing in APR0054. And after my Navy "firing" in 0045 I would skim read Thoreau. It was the type of reading that was relaxing and would let my seething anger and hatred for my firers subside. And reading Thoreau in 0045, I am sure that it was a major influence on me in wanting to tree farm again as in my early youth when I worked alongside my father gardening. I had such a fascination, respect, and love of trees all of my life. This tree farming desire, was the main reason for my decision to settle in South Dakota in 0046 and want to live the life of Thoreau's Walden . This same tree love was the guiding influence in my wanting to live on either the East coast or West coast surrounded by trees in 0048. Whichever coast I ended-up with it had to have plenty of rainfall where trees flourished, and the East coast had a greater variety, a larger diversity of trees rather than Oregon or Washington State. Eventually in 0048 I decided on the East coast and ended up at Dartmouth and have been here since 0048. But sadly, I have not had much time to actually get out into these eastern forests since when I arrived here near the end of 0048. The writing of three books has taken most of my time. Getting back to 0036, I was 26 years old, alone, and working on my fathers rentals. Trying to figure out and plan what I was going to do with my life. At this time I watched the TV mini-series Captains and the Kings . I very much related to Joseph Armagh in my drive for making a personal wealth. I saw my character traits concerning money in Armagh. I related to my personal drive to make myself financially wealthy and I already had a good start with the entrepreneuring of buying real estate and selling at a profit. But real estate is not conducive to making alot of money fast and easy. Real estate is too time absorbing. I could see that I was 181 spending so much time with maintaining, cleaning, and repairing. I began to feel like a fireman on call duty 24 hours of the day. There were many plumbing problems because of the air conditioning to the rentals. And when people moved out, the clean-up was a chore usually unpleasant. Although being a landowner and working for myself, I wanted to find something that would fly to prosperity, not walk or crawl. Sometime shortly after 0037 I remember reading about biotechnology companies to come to the stock market. The commercialization of biotechnology had occurred. And the only way to play it was to own stock. That gave me the impetus to understand the stock market. Reading about the future commercialization of biotechnology in a news magazine was my initiation to the idea of investing in the stock market. And I began reading books in the Moab library about this form of investment. And so in my mind I had replaced the path to fortune of Armagh with oil in Captains and the Kings with my path of playing the stock market. But I had little knowledge of the stock market other than from a few library books and so I did not want to go into the stock market quickly. I was still in the real estate game with more real estate than I wanted. The real estate was going to tie me down I felt. I felt that the real estate was like an albatross around my neck. I wanted more freedom. I could not travel without being worried about the rentals. I felt I had to sell some of the rental property and with the proceeds buy unimproved Main street property and keep the 90 West Center Street rentals. I was not going to get out of the real estate business but instead I was going to sell the apartments and reinvest in unimproved land. I imagined that I could handle the one rental property from a distance. I wanted to go back to USU and get my Masters degree while still owning one rental property. I was going to see if I could manage one real estate property from a distance, and if not that I would return to Moab and sell all of my real estate. To prepare for my return to USU for a Masters degree I must sell all material items except for some core items which I can put in storage. I prepared to sell most all of my material possessions. I would sell one of the two vehicles, whichever sold first either the VW Karmann Ghia or the red Datsun pickup. The Datsun sold. I sold Refrigerators, freezer, air conditioners, two golf sets, four chests-of-drawers, TV, all of Willis's tools, three cameras. I am not a materialist, I would rather live like a Thoreau lifestyle and have a little dorm room such as what I had at Monash. I have few pictures of myself. I remember telling Willis why 182 bother with these pictures of mountains? I have the best camera, my head. I will always remember what these places looked like and were like stored in my mind. The outline of the Lasal Mountains, the red cliffs. Your face, my face. I threw away two closet full of pictures and movies. I sold the cameras and movie camera. I am sure it has happened many times between father and son. The father takes on a hobby which the son sees as a waste of time, and the son having a distaste to anything related to that hobby. It was this overemphasized hobby of Willis that I grew a mild aversion to photography, and my opinion that photography was a waste of time. By the time I came to writing this book, I still hold that opinion. That a person should only keep perhaps 10 pictures in their whole life and no more. Ramanujan, if it was not for the passport to England, we would have no picture of him. As of 0052 I have no picture of my mother, Willi, or Willis. I will write to some of Willis's relatives to see if they have any. And I will try to find-out if Willi is still alive and whether he has any pictures. The only pictures of myself which I have are the ones which I saved from UC and Utah Universities, and my Navy picture. Most of the pictures I had saved are laminated student identification cards. The only reason I saved these student ID cards was that I found out on one of my criss-crossings of the USA that I could use these old ID cards to get into the gym shower and get a nice long hot shower for free. Instead of looking for a campground, I just went to the Uni gym. Usually people did not check my ID card. ______________________________________________________ 0037 ______________________________________________________ I would start 0037 close to the end of the probate on Willis's estate. Willis willed all his assets to me. Feeling that I was a complete loner now, and also, that I wanted to be alone. I had the feeling that I had no family. I decided I would change my name from Ludwig Hansen to Ludwig van Ludwig. Since a Moab lawyer was doing my probation work, I figured it was an opportune time for a name change. I went to the lawyer first with my desired name change of Ludwig van Ludwig, since Ludwig was my only name that had stayed with me since birth and my last name would be the same as first, only now I would have a middle name of van. The first time I would have a middle name. I decided on van from Ludwig van Beethoven. The lawyer looked at my proposed name change and said "No, 183 the last name has to be different from the first name". So back to the drawing boards. I went home and came-up with the name Ludwig van Ludvig. Legally my name changed to Ludwig van Ludvig on 17 June 0037. Years later I regretted my name change because the name was too confusing. People asked was my last name vanLudvig or Ludvig? And some would spell my last name like my first name. Few ever pronounced my first name correctly and with a "v" in my last name it just exacerbated the mispronouncing of my first name. I gave-up on correcting the mispronunciation of my name. As years went by I took a fancy to the name Ludwig von Ludwig, and figured I should have picked the name Ludwig Vonludwig with no middle name. And more years later when my name was in computers and all mixed-up, with computer mistake mailings frequent, I had thought one night while going to sleep and having watched the TV series on Kepler, that I had wished I had changed my name simply to just Kepler Ludwig. Made my first name Kepler and my last name Ludwig. I wanted to keep something of my past and Ludwig, even though I had to correct mispronunciations would be it. And then even more years later, I finally began to really like my name Ludwig van Ludvig, even with all of the confusion and computer error, and mispronunciation. This was around 0048, I began to like my name Ludwig van Ludvig because of all the confusion it brings. If I do not want to be in Computer files what better confusing name is there than Ludwig van Ludvig? If I want to be secret--all has been predetermined. It was springtime in Moab, Utah. And I remember well me having the alfalfa field on 90 West Center cut with that sweet smell of alfalfa for which I had remembered the smell while at Bear River High School for my student teaching in the springtime some 4 years ago. And I was wondering how the alfalfa smelled in Sun Valley, Idaho near my land which I had not had the time to ever see. Did it have trees on it? I would sow alfalfa seed on this land of mine which Willis had bought while I was in Australia. How wonderous is springtime. Then the probate of Willis's estate was finished. I started to sell much of the material things. I advertised to sell on the local radio station of Moab because I wanted to reduce my material possessions. I wanted to go to graduate school at USU. I went to buy a study guide on taking the Miller Analogy Test in order to be admitted to graduate school. I remember studying a preparation booklet for the Millers. I remember the bright sunlight kitchen table on Opal Street with the double sliding glass door to the backyard which had this huge apricot tree that bore more fruit in 184 autumn than I could eat. I placed my Opal Street house up for sale and I placed a 5 unit rental property on 3rd East Street Moab, up for sale. Before the end of 0037 I will have sold my 327 Opal Street house and the 3rd East Street rentals and then with the proceeds of these two sales I will have bought 267 North Main Street, Moab property which had a gas station on it. By the time I would leave Moab to attend USU at Logan Utah I will own the following 4 properties (1) 90 West Center,Moab Utah which had 6 rentals on it, 4 rental houses and 2 commercial rentals (2) land with a shed on it on 267 North Main Street, Moab Utah, the gas station with tanks were dug-up and removed (3) a lot in Bellevue Idaho near Sun Valley (4) unimproved land in the LaSal Mountains near Moab. And after I graduated with a Masters degree from USU in the summer of 0038 I would make a trip to Columbia Missouri for the purpose of buying land. Thus my real estate holdings would amount to 5 parcels. I ended-up buying a tract of unimproved land contiguous to Interstate 70 near Columbia, Missouri. And so in 0038 I will have added a 5th piece of real estate to my collection. I read Time magazine August1,0037 since Willis still had his subscription. Sociobiology was the cover story of this magazine issue, titled "Why you do what you do", showing people as puppets manipulated by their DNA. The article was titled Sociobiology: A New Theory of Behavior . The article implied that the DNA in every living organism was like the energy pack, the power pack, the battery of our otherwise lifeless robotic bodies. The article implied that we are robots to our DNA. This magazine article on Sociobiology I liked so much that I wanted to buy the book. I was so engrossed by this new theory, that I then bought the book Sociobiology by E. O. Wilson. This book was very influential and important to me in my ongoing pursuit of trying to turn the theory of biological evolution into math. Many times I would repeat the underlying logic of this new science in my head so that I might see new insights, some new ramification. I was passionate over sociobiology, that I would try to convince others who showed interest in biology, or wanted an explanation for why you do, what you do. The main idea, the precept of sociobiology was this. If the units evolving were stepped-down to the level of genes inside the individual, rather than taking the units of evolution as the individuals themselves, then so much more understanding is derived from this unit reduction. Just by a reduction in unit, such a 185 plenitude of understanding is derived. A fallout of consequences a fallout of results, just by means of this simple reduction in units. By this reduction in units from individuals to genes are the subset subjects of biology such as : (1) economics, (2) history, (3) language, (4) philosophy, (5) psychology, (6) politics, (7) religion, and (8) others, unified. Sociobiology was offering explanations for human behavior, or animal behavior in general. This step-down pattern strongly influenced me, since from 0036 until 0049, excepting of course USU, I had neither read nor had the desire to read any books or texts on science, biology, physics or math, except sociobiology. Between the years 0036 to 0049 I was still trying to turn the theory of evolution into math in my mind, but I was not actively interested in studying or even reading any physics or math, especially math. My active pursuit in those years was the stock market, and whenever I went into a library it was to read about the stock market and companies. Reading the book Sociobiology around 0037 did for me in biology at that time of my life what by comparison the Feynman's Lectures on Physics did for me in physics. I never read much past the first chapter of either one but what is in the first chapter is so important that both helped me formulate the idea of an atom totality. I was enchanted by the idea that just a step-down of the unit which is evolving, instead of the individual, take the unit as the genes inside the individual, yields a subsumption, an explanation, a theory of virtually all the soft biological sciences such as economics, sociology, law, politics, religion. This book was very influential on me in the keen idea of a step-down. That if the unit evolving was stepped-down to the level of the genes, rather than the unit of evolution as the individual, then so much more understanding is derived from this unit reduction. Jumpingforward to 7Nov0050, instead of a step-down resulting in a consolidation of many subjects, make a step-up for the hard sciences. I had remembered Feynman's most important fact of all-- The Atomic Fact-- If everything we see is made up of atoms. And I had remembered from High School in Physics the planetary model of the atom, and Feynman's Lectures on Physics the planetary model of the atom, and from Bronowski's book The Ascent of Man the planetary model of the atom, and from avid study in late 0050, the planetary model of the atom out of a textbook with a big yellow cover with green waves titled PHYSICS, Part 2, Extended Version by Halliday & Resnick, 3rd edition 1986. These and many more I remembered the planetary model of the atom. And around 7Nov0050 186 my mind asked what about the reverse of a step-down? What about a step-up? What about the reverse. Are the planets inside an atom? Is it logical sense that the only things which exist are atoms and what is between atoms--the void, then the universe itself cannot be something different from what everything else is. Is it logical commonsense that the universe is a structure? If so only atoms make a continuous commonsense. It is not something repulsive as "on the backs of turtles or elephants". It is not repulsive as a "onion". If everything is only atoms then the totality must be something and by math logic, the totality has to be an atom. Where are the planets? Then I immediately saw in my mind's eye on 7NOV0050 that the dots of an electron are the stars and planets. Since every electron in every atom goes out to infinity, then every atom stretches out to infinity, that is, no atom ends. The totality must be an atom. When the idea that the totality was presently an atom this sociobiological step-down helped me to make that reverse switch. Sociobiology helped me to make the reverse switch of a step-down to a step-up, that instead of a step-down of individual to the genes inside the individual for biology, it was a step-up from-- everything is made-up of atoms that the whole is one atom for physics. Since everything was made of atoms then the totality was one atom. As of this editing APR0054, it is now ironic that my desire to turn biological evolution into a math idea lead me to the atom totality by 7NOV0050 and by APR0054, the Plutonium Atom Totality would make the theory of biological evolution--The Modern Synthesis as invalid and false. Superdeterminism and a teleology of Nucleosynthesis would throw-out biological evolution and hence sociobiology. Ironic, that The Modern Synthesis and Sociobiology would motivate me and guide me to the Atom Totality. And once having the Atom Totality theory, it would throw-out The Modern Synthesis and Sociobiology as fakeries, just as Evolution threw-out Lamarckism and Religious Creationism as fakeries. Much of 0037 I spent in Moab preparing for my upcoming return to Utah State University that Fall for my masters degree in teaching math. I had to make sure what material possessions I wanted to keep were in good self-storage. I had to make sure all the rentals were set for the winter and that the West Center Street buildings were rented-out making money. And I was trying to have everything set-up as to the collecting of rents or maintenance problems which may occur because I did not want to commute back to Moab from Logan over some rental management problem. The kilometer distance from 187 Logan to Moab was an 8 hour drive. I felt uneasy about being away from five rental units, but I was going to give it a try. I wanted a Masters degree. The Fall Quarter at USU began 0037 and ended no later than 1Jan 0038. At Utah State I would undertake some of my Thoreau lifestyle habits. I would sleep in my VW Karmann Ghia until I found a suitable apartment. I would shower in the gymhouse carrying a portable razor, and just a face cloth. At this time of my life, I would see no use in towels. Towels are a luxury and a waste of time. I do not need a towel ever in my life. Wash with a face cloth then repeatedly ring it out and mop dry. With Thoreau-- who needs a fork? A spoon is a practical substitute for a fork. Who needs towels? A face cloth does everything in showering. Most everyone in life goes through life with so many unnecessary things. They get these silly notions. First they think they need something which is expensive and which they in fact do not need in the first place. Then after they buy this unneeded something which they use perhaps once or twice in a year and only then because they feel guilty that they bought it. And it is sitting around unused. But then they decide that this useless, unused object needs an attachment or accessory which is expensive. And perhaps after they buy it they will use it more? Then after they buy this expensive accessory for the useless object then they need a new added part to the accessory and ad infinitum. Until finally the object and all the accessories and parts fill-up an entire closet space and then when someone points out the fact that "Hey buddy, this closet full of junk is taking-up one week out of every year of your lifetime just to sort-out and clean". Then some sense comes into their head and they throw-out all these materials or sell them in a garage sale. And if they did this throwing-out or selling to the whole house of material possessions then the cleaning of the house will not take-up so much of that person's lifetime. I once refused to buy a can opener because I knew it was just a onetime emergency deal and even though the opener cost less than one dollar I did not want the weight to carry around and I knew I would rarely use it, thus I never bought the can opener. I borrowed someone else's can opener. And on a trip I once used my expensive and excellent knife as a can opener. Jumpingforward to 0047-0049, when I had only my bicycle for transportation. I sold all of my tools except for the ones which I used more than five times a year and did not have much weight. Few 188 of my tools fit a five times a year use description so I sold them. I sold the world's finest hammers, hacksaws, saws, wrenches, because I have a habit of buying only the finest and most expensive items when I do buy. The tools I saved were ones which I would use every year on my bicycle. I saved my vise grip pliers because a large vise grip is the very best nut cracker, the standard nut cracker is a toy compared to a vise grip pliers, any size of nut and cracked to perfection. What I consider wise and practical habits such as face cloth is all you need, via Thoreau. I never sit on toilet seats for I know we have evolved from expunging by squatting over, otherwise you get hemorroids. Wiping with dry paper is so unsanitary. Moisten paper along with dry paper are the only effective method, a trick I learned while living in Malaysia. And it hardly needs mentioning that I never smoke, nor do I drink alcohol. These are bad habits which are of no use to one's life, everyone is better off without either one of these. I consider both of these as performing acts of character weakness, and a form of slow suicide. Here in my autobio, I want to tell a little story I no longer have exact date at which this event happened but it was at the very start of one of the quarters at USU. It involved a parking ticket. The reason I want to tell this story is because some of my character shines through. It was a warmer than usual day, nice sun and the start of the quarter at USU and I had parked the VW in the parking lot which was a completely full parking lot except for a reserved parking spot near the gymnasium. I wanted to go inside the gym and get a shower. Coming out of the gym, I had donned my green blazer I had bought in Australia and was fond of wearing. I was looking forward to eating an ice cream cone at the student center but when I got to the VW, I noticed had a parking ticket. So I drove the VW to a safe zone and went to the campus parking officials immediately that same afternoon. I persistently talked with the young secretary who was a USU student to remove the charge. She would not waiver. She tired of my reasons and talk and said noone has their ticket annulled. I persisted and then insisted to see her superior. I went to his office and gave the most logical reasoning for why I should not have been ticketed. He listened for a few minutes and annulled my ticket. He came out of the office and told the secretary to annul it. I felt that I rightfully should have paid the fine, but somehow my logical plea had spared me the cost of a fine. Later that quarter the secretary saw me in the library and told me that I was the only person who 189 ever had their ticket annulled. Perhaps it was my good logical argument, persistence, and well dress, I thought? The reason I wanted to tell this incident is because it is my character to want to bend the rules to suit me. I have never seen manmade rules as fixed and rigid, except for crimes such as murder, rape, then it is an eye for an eye. But with the many artificial manmade rules I never let them get in my way without some battle if those rules are blocking my progress. I had read in Arms of Krupp around 0033 "Noth kennt kein Gebot", meaning that-- necessity knows no rules. Of course, not paying for a parking ticket fee is not a necessity, but turning the theory of biological evolution into math was necessary to me, and I will bend the rules if something looks promising. The most common rule which I break sometimes on a daily basis is crossing the street. I can never be bothered by going to a crosswalk and waiting for the light to say it is alright. No, not me, I will walk across the street whereever and whenever it suits me. I am not a conformist at all. I do most everything which suits me, and question everything which I do, even the standard way of tying your shoes. For many years I put a double knot into my laces instead of the standard tying. Question everything in hopes of continually coming-up with improvements. Back to USU, I sure loved the fresh ice cream served in a hard cone in the USU Student Union. Chocolate with nuts was my favorite flavor then, but after my middle 30's my favorite flavor changed to strawberry, but it has to be premium ice cream with chunks of strawberry in the ice cream. I would never eat any cheap ice cream, no matter what flavor. I rarely spend money, but when I do spend money I buy expensive and premium things. ______________________________________________________ 0038-0039 ______________________________________________________ I returned to Utah State University that Fall Quarter of 0037 and would attend the Winter and Spring Quarters of 0038 for a full academic year to earn my Masters degree in teaching math. And when USU was over by July 0038, I would have my Masters degree from USU and I would be 28 years old. It took me three Quarters, one full academic year to get my MED degree, Masters in Education of Math. In this time of my life I felt good about studying for many reasons, chief among them was that I was a loner without family nor friends. In other words noone to bother me. Noone to socially call me to a meeting or over a dinner. Noone to talk to me and waste my time, or make demands of my time. And also I had matured to want 190 to study. I was no longer tempted into other time-wasters such as TV since I had none. I set myself for rigorous study at USU. Also at this time of my life I would initiate something into my own personal life which would gratify me much later. I call it a "program of rigorous continual self-improvement (PRCSI)." This program started shortly after I began my studies at USU in the Fall Quarter of 0037. It started when I departed my apartment locking the keys inside and annoyingly having to wait to unlock my apartment. Basically, the program PRCSI was-- that any mistakes I make in life which have a continuous character that I would take a moment-out and devise a habit into my personal life that I would not make that same error or type of error again. This program of PRCSI helped immensely on my grades in graduate school at USU. One of the habit modifiers I developed in PRCSI was concerning the loss of keys, pencils, or other materials. I devised a habit that whenever I leave an area where I have worked that by habit I must always look-back to make sure I do not leave anything behind. One time after having nearly lost my wallet I developed a program that I would always put the wallet in the same place and after using the wallet, drop everything and put it back in my pocket. This program of habit works well for I never lost my keys or wallet, once I established them under my program of habits. Another programmed habit was for locked doors once leaving my residence and traveling far away. When Willis was alive and he and I would leave Moab for SLC for an extended time then half way to SLC sometimes we would wonder if all the doors of our house had been securely locked? Such programs of habit are good for running oneÕs life. Now studying at USU for my Masters, I put myself under many programs of habit of PRCSI which would improve my life. The programs of habit had to be ones which had a continuous character, not habits for few-time events. One of my study programs was whenever a term paper was due that I had to have the rough draft written-out that same night that it was assigned. Then I could work over the rough draft as the weeks went by to improve it. No longer was I going to wait until the last few days before it was due. Another program was that I could not rest and relax over the weekend until all my homework was done. That meant that I started my homework assignments on Friday afternoon. I never had a Friday or Saturday night off during the school year working for my Masters degree. These programs of habit are reflected in my high grades earned while at USU. If I did have my homework done then I could 191 play chess. Here at USU I would go on many programs of PRCSI, not only with my study habits but with all of my daily personal life. I was already a perfectionist in my work job habits. I would self improve my eating habits. I would self improve my attitude towards personal possessions via a Thoreau style of life. First the eating habits, I would now have only one meal with meat a day. I would take vitamin pills from now on throughout my life. I subsist with the bulk of my diet on cereal grains. Here at USU I would frequent the "Natural Health Food Store" in Logan more often then I would go to the regular supermarket. I would read what the chemical additives were in the foods and if it said monosodium glutamate or BHA, or BHT, I would avoid those items. I clearly remember one day walking into the Natural Health Food Store and another man in the aisle asked my why I was reading the ingredients. And I told him that I did not want to eat synthetic chemicals. I wanted organic food. But as I was walking back to my apartment at USU I thought to myself that there really was not any clear-cut distinction between food. If I had taken peanut butter from the health foodstore and peanut butter from the regular supermarket and examined both under the microscope, even done a thorough chemistry analysis that my conclusion would be that both are equally nutritious and neither one had any harmful chemical in them. The only difference is that one cost so much more. It was here that my conception of what is the clear-cut distinction between natural and unnatural? Perhaps the advertising of Natural Health Foods should be changed to something more clearer, more meaningful. It should be changed to "grains grown in a field where no chemical fungicide, herbicide, or pesticide had been administered." Such a statement would be more accurate. For it is silly and false to think that the food in the "Natural Health Foodstore" is much more different than the food in the regular supermarket. In my mind I realized that if a thorough chemical analysis were conducted on the local Health Foodstore and the local supermarket that out of so many kilograms of food from each store that it would be found that the parts per million of synthetic manmade fungicide, herbicide, or pesticide found in the Natural Health food as compared to the regular food would be so small of a difference that it would not justify the large difference in price between the two. Even though I realized this I have continued to prefer health foodstore items over supermarket items. It was here at USU that I would pattern most of my meals with cereal grain. I would eat hot oatmeal or cream of wheat in the 192 morning. I would put honey in the middle, a sprinkle of cinnamon and I would add cream or milk if no cream was available. On days that I was tired of oatmeal, I would eat cream of wheat cereal or cold cereal such as puffed rice, puffed wheat, puffed corn, or puffed millet. Reflecting on these programs of habit of PRCSI as of this editing in APR0054, that they work so well that much of my habits are good habits because of having set-up PRCSI way back in 0038 at USU. As an example of how pretty PRCSI works, here at Dartmouth in 0053 I was severely distracted one day while trying to finish-up some photocopying with many materials spread-out over when I had to quickly pack-up and go to the post office. In that mad dash to get to the post office, I was able to mail-off the letter in time before it closed, but as I was walking out of the post office I thought I had left a large amount of change in the photocopying machine. I reached into my coat pocket and discovered that because of one of my in-grained programs of habit I had taken my change. Good habits of PRCSI work even better than ones own memory. Programs of good habit are very important in my daily management of my life. I must have Ordnung, order in my life. The last time I was here at USU was about four years ago for the purpose of obtaining a Teaching Certificate. Now in 0037-0038 I was going for a Masters degree in teaching math. I did not want to take any math. I wanted to take mostly philosophy and some physics. What I ended up taking was alot of philosophy classes, alot of education courses, and a few math classes which were forced on me, and a physics class which was nearly all films, i.e., movies of R. Feynman lecturing. I was forced to take some math classes, and unlike my last years of UC, I actually came to like my math classes. I had matured mathwise, and could take these courses and learn much. I could understand the textbooks with ease and do the problems with ease. I used the textbook NUMBERS & MATH Second Edition 0035 by Dodge. In this course and this book I learned the Real numbers well. But most importantly the tests always had some easy proofs to work. And I would try to do all the other problems first and then go back and do the proofs. I would safely say that this course was the first time I did math proofs (easy ones) with comprehension. And I would do math proofs on tests. It takes a long time for some people to mature mentally for math, especially math proofs. And I took a course in geometry using the textbook Elementary Geometry from an 193 Advanced Standpoint by Moise 0023. I remember that I had placed a restriction on myself that I had to have all of my math homework done on a Friday night. I could not go to bed on Friday until all my math homework was done. This was good because this was the party night. Friday night was the night where the Mormon center had dancing, where anyone could go into the center and dance. Since I never danced and did not like to dance I spent Friday nights at the Library doing math. I had finally established the best study patterns for myself here at USU pursuing my Masters. I studied Friday nights, and all day Saturday and Sunday. The only relief I had from study was playing chess. It was a good pattern for my grades reflected it. It was the pattern which I wanted when I went to UC but it was impossible because I was not alone then. Other people demand time of you. Here at USU I was a complete loner, no friends, just acquaintances of classmates. However, I did have some tension. A mild tension, a feeling of unease during my studies at USU. I was worried that someone would call me up and say I had to return to Moab because a tenant had moved-out or someone was not paying the rents. I would imagine bad things happening in Moab, and have to drive back down to straighten them out. But luckily while at USU nothing major happened with my rentals. Nothing happened that I had to return to Moab in the middle of my studies. Some of this good luck was due to the person, C.S., who I had in charge of keeping an eye out on my rentals. He was the renter for the 90 West Center Street dental office and he had rented the office space from me to put in a Health Foodstore. C.S. collected the rent and managed my rentals in Moab while I studied at USU for my Masters. Not once did I have to return to Moab. But there was this lingering tension, which drove me into considering an alternative to owning real estate, an alternative to being a landlord. For I can not always find someone to trust in managing my real estate. For by this time of my life of 27-28 years of age I was a practical and pragmatic-minded person to know that I would not be teaching in Moab where my real estate was. I started something here at USU which would change my life for the better. A big moment in my life. The moment I went to the USU library to look at books and newspapers of the stock market. I started to investigate the stock market with the attitude of "I think I like the stock market". While here at USU I began to read stock market newspapers and magazines. I would spend many free hours researching what the stock market was like. Sometime in my past UC years I had remembered talk by a 194 physics instructor that fusion energy would be the answer of the future energy problems. And so here at USU I would research companies for the aim of investing into fusion energy. Even though I made good grades in my math classes I still was not interested in math, and only because these math courses were required. Between the time when I had to repeat "Advanced Calculus" at UC in my junior year and until my discovery of the Atom Totality, about 20 years, I was not to get excited or interested in any math. Instead I was to focus most of my brainpower on playing the stock market. Instead of the subject of math I was to refocus my math abilities on how to amass a fortune, become independently wealthy by playing the stock market. I was to use my science and math skills in playing the stock market to increase my wealth. To use my study and training of physics and math, my chess playing skills, and later my poker playing skills, all of which to use and apply to playing the stock market. So what if I made an A in a math course? And so what if I win another chess game using a strategy? And so what if I come out a winner after every poker playing session playing with dimes and quarters, no big deal. But if I applied my innate math abilities and science knowledge to the playing of the stock market and figured-out a strategy for what companies to invest in. And if I doubled my wealth in one years time. This is real big, then I can have something big and practical to show for my thinking. I can not eat an A or a B letter grade from a math class, or a chess game, or a deck of cards, but if I keep doubling in the stock market I will be independently wealthy. Never have to work or look for another job. The stock market will be around longer than me. Playing the stock market I can make money the easy way. I can eat all the best foods, buy anything I want. With the stock market, I found something in life to excite me and hold my attention. Interpretation. The Protons had superdetermined and arranged that I devote my concentration on the stock market for 10 years of my life. For 10 years I would concentrate on the stock market for the important reason that after playing the stock market successfully, I would end up by 0050 with this overpowering self-confidence, this self-reliance, that all I have to do to make money is think about the stock market. I do not have to work if I do not want to. I would make my first million at 30 years of age and would never have to work again if I chose not to. Supreme self-confidence that if I walked-up to the head of the math department at Harvard or MIT I could say directly into their face without regret "You have no math 195 intuition. You can not even make a fortune just by playing the stock market." The stock market would give me that self-confidence, self-reliance. Reinterpretation. The idea of the Atom Totality, in large part, was born out of my desire to pick the better investment field, biotechnology or fusion energy. Biotechnology is life and fusion energy comes from atoms. So what will the distant future look like? An advanced form of life or an atom. If I had never played the stock market. I would not have raised that quandary to its pinnacle. Which to buy biotech companies or fusion energy companies? And I would not have discovered the Atom Totality. Instead, the Protons made me so avidly, so intensely interested in the stock market. At USU, I signed-up for alot of philosophy. I was keen on pragmatism. I took a class which did nothing but show the films of Feynman lectures. I learned alot of physics from this course, mostly it was fun as I looked forward to a physics film each week, they were the best days of the week. Math classes I would be forced to sign-up in order to get this Masters degree. I was not going to take any math course which I did not have to. I took a basic math course with number theory, set theory. Then a geometry class using the textbook Elementary Geometry from an Advanced Standpoint by Moise 0023. Both math classes had many homework problems of making math proofs. Both courses were taught by likable teachers. I had matured enough to develop good study habits and studied even on the weekends. Had homework done days long before it was due. My only recreation was chess in a room where many foreign students congregated and it had these food machines up against the wall. I had no TV to distract or waste any of my time. Chess was enough of a recreation when I had finished all of my homework. I would sometimes start playing speed chess at lunchtime and not stop until it was dinnertime. The physics professor who was teaching the class in "Feynman's physics films" enjoyed speed chess and would come to play. We had a system that the loser had to give up his seat to any bystander wanting to play. I did not want to wait in a line so I tried my hardest to always win. I lost occasionally. I was usually the best player there and during Competition Games Week at Utah State, I won the chess trophy. During my Utah State University studies from 0038 to 0039 where I earned a Masters degree in teaching math, I watched the physics lecture series given by Feynman and restudied his book The Character of Physical Law. In my readings of source and research 196 materials, I was particularly interested in the philosophy of pragmatism and delved into pragmatism more. I remember reading the book Science and Sentiment in America; by M. G. White, 0032. Then I took a philosophy of science class and was assigned the book The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by T. S. Kuhn. I was still very much keen on the beautiful idea from the pragmatist philosopher Charles Sanders Peirce in his The Architecture of Theories that the universe is crystallizing-out. And I remembered several comments by Peirce that he felt his mind was like "a ball of knotted string" and that a person's bank balance book was more precise and exact than scientific theories. For my Masters degree I had studied more philosophy than math and in 0038 I familiarized myself with Spinoza's idea of pantheism where nature and man are a part of the godhead, where, we are a part of a supernatural power, such as our brains are a very small part of the brains of the supernatural power. After 0050 when I had the Atom Totality, I realized that I had replaced pantheism with one plutonium atom and man as part of the last electron of this one plutonium atom, then Spinoza's idea comes true. In 0038 I familiarized myself with Leibniz's monads. Leibniz originated an idea for which he called monads in order to try to explain everything. Monads are very small replicas of the universe out of which everything in the universe is made. Thus a monad is everything and everything is a monad. A monad is one in all, all in one. After I had the Plutonium Atom Totality in 0050 I would replace Leibniz's monads with atoms, where one plutonium atom is the entirety and you do explain everything. Leibniz talks about monads as windowless which resembles our multi elementary particles of 94 Protons, 94 Electrons and 137 Neutrons and nodes within the 231Pu Totality in which we can not directly observe the nucleus, nor can we observe most of the other electrons via the exclusion principle. I met L.D. in one of my math classes. She was very smart, to me that was obvious from the start, from the fact that she was a math major. The first time I talked with her I asked her what is your major and she said math. My mind lighted up, probably my eyes and face also but I could not see that. I was feeling excited. In my opinion, anyone majoring in math has to be smart, just as if anyone could play chess well had to be smart. And here is this pretty math major, that is what attracted me immediately to her. And on top of it, she was enrolled in the honors program. But besides being smart she was very pretty, slightly taller 197 than me and slender. She was very friendly to me in math classes. But she was engaged to a classmate and by next year she married him. I could talk to L.D. about things I was interested in, not just math. For the first time I could talk to a girl about math and if we were talking about other things it seemed that we could zoom to the primal importance of matters. I felt I was in my intellectual company, my peer group, we were so much alike, and we both felt math very important. She even felt math more important than I did because years later she would enter a PhD program in math, somewhere in California. But she was married. One time in the winter quarter when I visited their apartment for they lived 3 or 4 doors down in the same apartment complex. I knocked on the door, noone was home, and I looked in the window and saw a mess, as if a cyclone had come through. And I remembered the story L.D. told me about her landlord in Arizona who had a small claims court against her because of the condition of the house upon departing. I remember once in geometry class just before the class was to start, we were comparing geometry proofs and she was leaning over on my desk peering into my eyes, close enough that I could almost kiss her. And she was interested in me, not just math, something about me attracted L.D. She was interested in me personally, not the geometry proof and she asked me a line of questions about my past, "Did I ever marry?", "Did I have a girlfriend?", and she said "How old are you?" and the way she asked it, it had a bad tone, and I answered her that I was 27. She was perhaps 21. She went away to her desk saying "That's old, you are an old man." Funny, how in one instant I was close to a girl who I wanted to be close to, then in the next moment we were generations apart. Then I remember my last term at Utah State U. and L.D. was separating from her husband. I wanted L.D. And one day in class we were talking, everything was pleasant, and she said to me "Come over for pizza with us", and I politely refused. L.D. I believe knew I wanted her. She was coaxing me along to come over for pizza, but I was not persuaded. She insisted that I come over for pizza, and said we are expecting you. I did not make it to the invitation. Why did I not make it to this invitation, perhaps this was my moment to get close to L.D.? What was going through my mind that I wanted her and here was my best opportunity to get close to her, yet I refused. Was it that I rationalized it was a futile chase, a case of 198 futility, that L.D. is a married women. What business did I have butting in on a relationship of husband and wife, and I would only be some third person, perhaps a triangle. Any emotional involvement by me and I would be the odd person out. I said to myself, Ludwig van Ludvig face facts, L.D. was married and could not be mine. Years later I wrote to L.D., I believe it was 0041 as I was soon to go into the Navy. I was writing amongst the lodgepole pines in a snow covered winter in my room at Signal Mountain Lodge in the Grand Tetons of Wyoming. I was pining for L.D. I was in Wyoming and she was in Cache Valley, Utah State U. I wrote her two letters. My first letter said that I was writing a book and "Are you still happily married?", and she wrote back in pencil ÒDoes your book say anything new?Ó Thank you L.D. you got to the primal critique of my first book attempts. I was not saying anything new. Jumpingforward, I would remember that constructive criticism for when I would really start my book writing in 0049. Would I really have something new to say, or am I just repeating what someone else has already said? Such constructive criticism, such important constructive criticism. If my writing is not altogether new, then it probably is not worth writing. I had to admit that I really was not saying anything new; that I was just summarizing old ideas. This was my revised copyrighted material of 0041. In this same letter from L.D., she had written to me that she had separated from her husband. I quickly wrote back asking L.D. to marry me. L.D. wrote back saying that she was going to California for a PhD in math. That was the last I heard of her. Play the song DOWN IN THE VALLEY by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir/Condie The Philadelphia Orchestra/Ormandy. And superpose these following words. Down in Cache Valley, Valley so low Hang your head over, Hear the wind blow If you never loved me, love whom you please Throw your arms around him, give my heart ease Give my heart ease love, give my heart ease. Throw your arms around him, give my heart ease. Give him many children dear So I can see that you are very happy Give him many children dear So I can see that you are very happy 199 Write me a letter , send it by mail Send it in care of Ludwig van Ludvig Ludwig van Ludvig, dear, Ludwig dear Send it in care of Ludwig van Ludvig Roses are red; violets are blue Pu, knows I loved you Know I loved you dear, know I loved you Pu, knows I loved you Near the end of my course of study for my Masters degree I had some good luck. For I learned a valuable lesson. One of the education professors Ross Allen coordinated a field trip, a seminar down to Westminster College in SLC. It was a two to three hour lecture sponsored by Stanford University. It started out as a typical lecture but it did not end as one for me. It was here that I saw with 20/20 vision a crystal clear glimpse of myself, of Ludwig van Ludvig, and of my future track. In all of my schooling, my entire education there rarely was a more productive 3 hours of formal instruction for me. This seminar of a Stanford lecture course was a game. Let me explain the game briefly. There were two rooms in one room it was a Chinese, an oriental culture and the rules for how a person behaves in that culture and in the other room was USA culture. Where you get ahead by bartering for paper cards (fake money) collecting points and getting those points to the person in charge. The points were just slips of paper which each person got at the beginning of the game and were resupplied as the game progressed. As soon as I realized the object of the game I was actually trying to pull the slips out of other peoples hands, skipping over the bartering, so that I did not have to put up with the silly nonsense of talking them out of their paper. I was so active while playing this game, so aggressive in playing this game that I could be seen running to the person-in-charge with the 5 slips needed to register another "success count". I mean this is just a game. I was getting good at the game and then an instructor tried scooting me off into the other room for the Chinese part of the game but I pretended not to hear and stayed in the one room. I was having so much fun playing this game and wanted to win this game. Then they tried scooting my off forcibly by hand guiding me over to the other room as I approached the door I realized something that the people coming in from the other room are ignorant about this game and so are sitting targets. I indicated I would go and after a short while, like 1 minute, in the other room I departed and returned to the barter 200 room saying I had been over there. Rushing to resume the play of this game and I looked for the people who had come fresh from the other room where they had been playing the Chinese kinship, some sort of kinship game. I looked for newcomers to this room because I could take all of their slips fast without having to barter. And I went for the women because these papers meant nothing to them and women are less aggressive then the men. The final outcome was a tie with me and some other man. I immediately accused him of cheating. For noone in that room, I felt, could have matched my aggressiveness. I saw myself 100% in this game, I am an aggressive capitalist. I will look for the advantage and play the game for gain with passion, to the maximum. Relentlessly and competitive, striving for the top, and I know when I reach the top because there will only be me. Interpretation with respect to Atom. The Protons were giving me a direct sign that I would sometime in the very near future follow. The sign was that my character best fits this type of work, that of playing the stock market, just as I loved playing this game, so will I love playing the stock market. That my real job sometime in the future would be that of stock market player. The sign of this game was that I saw my ownself so very clearly. What I genuinely liked doing. Even though I had graduated with a Masters degree in teaching math, my job in the near future would wind-up as playing the stock market. A year later after graduating I wrote to the same professor asking for a photocopy of the instructions for this game and he was kind in sending them to me. In the meantime, I had just graduated from USU with a Masters degree in teaching math. I had done very well in grades and was reluctant to leave USU. I liked how easy my study habits had become and I liked my grades. I was not at all pursuant of a job. I did not care whether I was accepted at a job interview or rejected. I will try to get a job but if rejected, I will not feel bad about it. I remember being interviewed by Texas Instruments, and was rejected. I did not feel at all bad I just went and had a good steak dinner and some of that fresh USU homemade ice cream. I packed-up all of my personal gear into my VW Karmann Ghia and headed back to Moab. Summertime was approaching that year of 0038. Driving down to Moab I was soothed by the fact that during my whole academic year at USU for my Masters degree that my rentals in Moab never needed my attention. I was not interrupted that whole 201 academic year or forced to go back down to Utah to solve any rental problem. C.S., the person who collected the rents for me did an outstanding job. Now I was driving back to Moab and enjoying myself really for the first time. My thoughts were mostly on what my next real job was going to be. Any academic thoughts were on pragmatism, biological evolution, and sociobiology. Driving down to Moab it seemed that I could own rental property and still travel. I formulated my plans for the summer that I was going to visit Moab, make sure my rentals were in order, all rented-out, and since I did not have any place to live for myself in Moab that I would travel and then the notion occurred to me that I should go to the University of Utah (U of U) in SLC for a doctorate in philosophy. Combine my stay at the U of U with seeking a job and working on a doctorate. In the meantime I was going to enjoy this summer and do something which I had enjoyed in my UC days, live and work in a Natl Park for the summer. All my rentals in Moab were occupied and paying rent. What was spring in Logan felt like the middle of summer in Moab. It was spring in Moab of 0038 and it was hot. I was thirsting already for a Natl Park and started to gaze at my road atlas. The Tetons and Yellowstone were the nearest Natl Parks that were cool and I remember the lodges up there from the summer vacations Willis and I spent. I would try the Tetons and Yellowstone that summer, just walk-in and ask if any jobs are available. I will not be picky for it is only to last for several months and in the Autumn I will start U of U. But now while here in Moab in the spring of 0038 and no rental worries, I have excess cash building-up from rentals, enough to invest. And at this juncture of my life, the spring of 0038, I had almost all of my assets in real estate. Perhaps 98%, the other being my silver coin collection. My real estate was all in order and since I was still under the spell of Western movie genre, having seen Missouri Breaks 0036 and The Outlaw Josey Wales 0036 not long ago. That I needed to invest this excess cash and that I wanted some land in Missouri near the University of Missouri (UM) in Columbia. I wanted some land where black walnut trees thrived. Even though I loved pragmatism I was still very much idealistic. It would take years into the future for me to see that this real estate desire was silly and idealistic. All the real estate which I owned at this time in 0038 had few trees. I owned a parcel in Idaho close to Sun Valley, 2 parcels in Moab one 90 West Center and the other Main Street, and my land in LaSal Mountains. The land in the LaSal Mountains had pine nut trees on it, but now I wanted land which had 202 black walnut trees thriving where there is plenty of rainfall. Here I was 28 years old, self-employed with my own rentals and investing in more real estate. I spent a few weeks in Moab and then drove out Missouri in search of a parcel of land to buy. It was the growing season in Missouri and I remember driving through busy corn farmland. In Columbia I explored UM and lived in my VW, sleeping in it. I went around with some real estate agents and found a pretty parcel of land with plenty of trees but the extra benefit was that it was adjoining to Interstate 70. I bought a 1.35 hectares parcel adjoining I-70 on July 15, 1978. This was a beautiful bonus after having driven through the Utah potholes and washed out dirt roads leading to my land in the LaSals. What pragmatic use is there in pristine unspoiled land if you can rarely get to it, and when you can it bounces the car and me to pieces. So I bought this raw land, this tree stand to add to my collection of real estate. Two years later I would regret this action for after two years I wanted to sell every parcel of land I owned and buy shares of stock for I was playing the stock market in full force by 0040. By 0040 I would look back at my 0038 land buying in Missouri as the watershed, the high tide of my real estate buying before I would try to convert nearly all of my assets into the stock market. After my Missouri mission of buying land I had more than 98% of my assets in real estate. By 0040 I wanted 99% of my assets in the stock market and any land that I owned would have to serve a very important need in order for me to want to keep it. Now I was a Masters degree graduate and the owner of many parcels of land the latest buy was a Missouri parcel and feeling in high spirits I decided I will spend this hot summer of 0038 in a cool Natl Park. I headed from Missouri to the Yellowstone of Wyoming. This would be the start of my first time spent working in a National Park again, having remembered how so much I liked my Glacier Natl Park summer job 0030 while a sophomore at UC. I went to the Tetons-Yellowstone and would work at the first place which hired me for any job, I did not care. I remember driving through Jackson Hole and seeing the majestic Tetons with the lodgepole fences along the road. And I had my tape-recorder playing Handel's Water Music while driving with the view of the mountains. Play Handel's Water Music in entirety as I am driving through the Grand Teton Mountains before I reach my first stop. Because at 203 my first stop I would be hired. I decided to work at the first lodge that hires me even if it is just washing pots or dishes. My first stop and I put on my green blazer which I had bought in Australia and seen in this photo made of me. Photo of me. Photo of me. I was hired at my first stop which was Signal Mountain Lodge operated and owned by Mr. M. Harris. I would immediately have a place to live for the summer. I ended-up working as a dish-potwasher for approximately 3 months. It was fun, alot of fun, and hard work for 6 days per week. Only one day off a week. And at the end of the season I went into Jackson Hole and bought what had caught my eye on an earlier trip into town, krugerrands. I bought 2 krugerrands of gold for $240. apiece. At the time I thought it was a steep price since I saw that they were listed for $220. in the newspaper. A year later in Moab in 0039 while spending the summer in Moab I would hear gold going up by $20. a day and reach $800. for a krugerrand. I liked working in the National Park and liked the idea of a possible summer romance. It was easy to get romantically involved with a girl under these conditions. And I wanted to spend another summer in the park. My job at SML had ended and so I went back to Moab to check on the apartments and to straighten out any problems with the rentals. This time there were some problems with tenants vacating and I had to clean and refurbish an apartment. Slowly the hardship of maintaining real estate and my desire to roam was not working. After my adjournment in Moab, I packed my VW Karmann Ghia to start a PhD program at the University of Utah (U of U) in Salt Lake City. I was close enough to Moab that I could make a trip back down there in half a days drive. I had planned to study philosophy and specifically pragmatism. For I was in love with pragmatism. Because it was so far reaching, so embracing of all disciplines. Pragmatism seemed to have answers and implications for all actions. It was a future oriented philosophy and it had the sciences and math as its foundation. It appeared to me that pragmatism was science-in-general and subjects such as physics or chemistry were science-in-specifics. I paid for my tuition for the Fall Quarter 0038 and would try to 204 see if I wanted to start a PhD program at U of U in Salt Lake City. Picture of me, student ID card UofU Fall Qtr not valid after 1Jan1979 After only a few days of philosophy class where one philosophy professor was what I perceived as "on an ego trip of himself" and the other philosophy class in "phenomenology" which gave me the impression that noone knew what they were really talking about and if they did, it did not matter. The phenomenology sessions were "touchy feely group arguments". That Fall I made a faint attempt, an accurate appraisal, of getting a Ph.D. in philosophy from the University of Utah (U of U) in Salt Lake City. It was good that I was in a big metropolis for that is probably what dissuaded me from going headlong into a PhD program. But most of all it was the stultifying, so boring, of classes. I listened to one class on phenomenology and walked out of the class, nothing was said, all pretentiousness. I would learn more by playing chess and watching TV at the Student Center building, or just browsing in the bookstore. My address while attending U of U was a post office address in Moab which I would retain for a very long time as my permanent address. Ludwig van Ludvig, PO Box 11, Moab Utah 84532. I decided against going for a PhD out of boredom and practicality. Practicality since I was financially tied to my real estate in Moab anyway. So then I just had a leisure time of playing chess in the U of U student union building. And it was here that I bought some more gold at around $230. krugerrand and other foreign gold coins, mailed to me from New York since excess cash from my Moab rentals was accruing. And it was here at U of U in Salt Lake City that I read business newspapers and magazines and went into downtown SLC to a stock broker to buy my first shares of stock. Being a newcomer, of course I would buy something more of sentimental value than of investment value. My first 10 shares of stock were VW. Why? Because my VW had taken me across the USA so many times without any problems and I had slept in my VW. Shortly thereafter I would come to the realization that I would invest only in the upcoming fusion energy era. I wanted electrical equipment companies. I sold my 10 shares of VW at a tiny profit and bought Siemens AG. I probably learned nothing of academic value while at U of U. But very importantly I embarked on playing the stock market. This embarking into the stock market would hold my interest like no 205 other interest in life to date. This embarking felt better than even embarking after women. I entered the stock market in the year 0078 and for keeps. At the end of the Fall Quarter in SLC, I decided to return to USU for Winter Quarter starting a few days after 1Jan1979. My plan was to audit business classes for I saw this beautiful light at the end of a tunnel. The light was the stock market and that I would no longer have any anxieties over rental real estate for if I converted all of my assets into the stock market, I could live freer and better with the dividend payments. I would never have to knock on some "bad renters" door asking for my rent. I would not be tied down by real estate. I wanted to thoroughly research the stock market at USU, a school I was familiar with, and at home with. And the added benefit which U of U could not provide me, was the job placement board at USU since I was a USU graduate already. I would return to USU for the last time in the beginning of 0039 for the Winter Quarter of 1979 to audit a class "Investments", a business class. I remember the instructor of the class for the class was fun for me. I remember the instructor making the opinion in class that gold was not an investment. But my ears really perked-up when the instructor said that some people think that fusion energy is a big investment. That was the conclusion that I had come to already and owned shares of the electrical equipment company of Siemens AG. The winter of 0039 I would spend auditing a course on "Investments". I was playing the stock market and was interested in electrical equipment companies for I perceived that fusion energy was the big future play. I rented in the same apartment complex as L.D. and saw her a few times. Then I heard bad news from Moab concerning my rentals, that I would be required to manage them since my biggest rental and the person collecting the rents for my other rentals was vacating. When I received the letter I saw the "handwriting on the wall". It meant I would have to be in Moab indefinitely until I had solved my real estate problems. I considered selling them all and converting the cash into stock market shares. I would live off of my dividends. I was finished with Winter Quarter USU with my one audit class and driving my VW Karmann Ghia down to Moab to take care of the rentals. On my way driving through red rock country I was thinking of a geometrical way of explaining the theory of biological 206 evolution. Through all of my wanderings, all of life's trials and tribulations, that after 0033 when my mind first started to tackle this problem of turning the theory of biological evolution into a math form. There it was again, as bright as the Utah sun through my VW window. My search mode for a math solution to the theory of biological evolution was still "on". And for most of the drive from Logan down to Moab, I was not thinking of the stark situation of rentals and a solution for my rental problems, but instead my mind was focused on evolution and math. I arrived in Moab and saw the old dentist office on 90 West Center would need alot of fixing. Even being a money tightwad, I gave in and hired a carpenter to help fix-up. I lived in the building of 90 West Center hoping to rent out the other half to another commercial enterprise now that the Health Foodstore was gone. I got the impression that I was lucky to see the business activity of a small town like Moab. To see start-up businesses in a small town and to see the economic flow and ebb of a small town is far better than living in a large city where much escapes the eye. For the businesses in a small town have more to teach a student of business, the business sense is easier to see against the backdrop of a small town community. To visualize whether the community could use another hamburger shop or whether a bookstore would sink or swim after a few months of opening. I thought that if I ever advised a person on learning the practicality of business, to be business smart, I would tell the student to go to a small town, you will learn it better there, rather than a big city, for if you can make a business go in a small town then you can do it in a large city, but not vice versa. Besides, living in a small town is so much nicer and friendlier. It was approaching summertime in Moab Utah 0039 and I was remodeling the 90 West Center Street (dentist building) for commercial rent and I had decided that since I was renting out 90 West Center there was no point in letting my Main Street property with a old dilapidated building, what was once an ice-house building along with the petrol pumps, but the petrol pumps were gone now. I decided why not remodel it at a cheap price and commercially rent it out also. No use in letting it sit idle and if nothing else I can store my personal belongings in the new building instead of renting self-storage units. I decided to hire a brick layer and I would work with him. I would tear down the building and use the concrete foundation to make a small concrete block building. That summer I had no excess cash for any investments. I was 207 ------------------------excerpt ends here------------------------